Barb Caffrey's Blog

As I continue to look for a place to live, I’ve pondered many things. But the one thing I kept coming back to, the one book in this case, was Lois McMaster Bujold’s excellent fantasy novel, PALADIN OF SOULS.

You might be wondering why. I know I did, when I could not get this book out of my mind…but now, I believe I have at least some idea of why this book is resonating so much with me at the moment.

The protagonist, Ista, is a widow. Just like I am. She’s in midlife, which also is just like me…of course, Ista is the Dowager Royina (read: Queen) of Chalion, which isn’t like me at all. But Ista feels stifled. She feels like there’s just no point in the life she’s leading, though she’s not sure how to break away and do her own thing. She’s also not exactly sure what “her own thing” might be, as she’s been widowed for quite a few years (around twenty, I think); for much of that time, Ista was seen as stark, raving bonkers even though she wasn’t.

(To go into all the reasons why people thought Ista was crazy, you need to read the prequel to this book, THE CURSE OF CHALION. It’s also an excellent novel.)

So, Ista is always watched and is frequently misunderstood. (I completely empathize with her in this. Women in midlife being misunderstood, much less widowed women, is something nearly all women in midlife can identify with, even if we can’t necessarily identify with always being watched.) But she is as sober, and sane, as any judge, and finally figures out a way to break out of her genteel captivity: she’ll say she’s going on a pilgrimage, and what other people assume (mostly they think Ista is praying for a healthy son delivered from her daughter Iselle, the current Royina and co-monarch of both Chalion and Ibra, but Ista thinks praying for anything except health for her daughter and any baby regardless of gender is stupid) is up to the other people.

Also, I have to mention this: Ista is not the easiest person to like at the beginning of this book. She is bitter, but for very good reasons. Her late husband did not treat her very well, and that has never been fully faced by anyone, much less Ista. (Her late husband was older than Ista, but that wasn’t the major problem. What that problem happened to be was that her late husband the Roya was in love with his top-ranked courtier, so Ista was always going to come last in that love triangle. Not that she had anything to do with the courtier other than tolerate his presence.) She’s been kind of an afterthought for a while; yes, she’s the mother of the current co-monarch (most Royinas do not rule, but Iselle certainly does with her husband Bergon of Ibra), but her own life has taken a backseat to her motherhood. And Ista has gifts of her own, which need to be used…thus the pilgrimage.

As I don’t want to spoil things too much for you if you haven’t read PALADIN OF SOULS yet, I’m going to skirt a lot of the details. I will say that Ista, as she grows and starts leaning into her talents rather than being denied them (as these talents make her seem crazy to non-cognoscenti), becomes a deeper, richer, and spiritual person. And if she’s very careful, she just might find love unlooked for with the right man at the right time, providing they can get through a whole lot of difficulties first.

Then again, love usually has to be fought for in some fashion, otherwise it doesn’t mean a whole lot.

In my life, I know for sure that Michael and I fought to be together. We were long distance, me in Iowa, he in San Francisco, for most of our courtship. Neither of us had much money, so how we got to be together lay in my mother receiving an unexpected windfall. She knew Michael was important to me, even though she’d not met him yet, and so she sent him that money.

Michael’s own mother, on the other hand, did not want him to leave San Francisco. She thought him taking a chance on me, a woman who was divorced twice by the age of thirty-six, was dumb even though he, too, was divorced (albeit just once).

Of course, she was wrong in this. Michael told her so, and he was right to do so. (Now that they’re both on the Other Side, I hope they have reconciled, but really, that reconciliation needed to start with her.) Michael knew everything about me; best of all, he loved the parts of me I couldn’t even like (but needed in order to be the person I was and am today).

This is what love is, when you’re mature enough to understand it. That understanding, that deep caring, that appreciation of everything you are — even the stuff you can’t stand about yourself — is what is needed to form a lasting marital partnership. And, like Ista in PALADIN OF SOULS, I found along the way that I had more gifts than I’d realized at first.

See, all of that is needed for a great emotional and physical connection. How can you make love to someone else if you don’t know them fully? If you don’t want to know them fully?

Ista says in one place that she’s late to discover herself. (This is me eliding a few things, for those who have read PALADIN OF SOULS. Still trying hard not to spoil it for new readers.) I think a lot of women in midlife — Hell, a lot of men, too — come to realize this, partly because they now have lived several decades and know themselves and the world at large far better than before.

At any rate, if you are in the right relationship, it should be mature, deep, with much mutual appreciation…and yes, you should have a wonderful and rich love life, too. (If you don’t have that, and it’s not because your partner is completely unable for some reason, you’re probably in the wrong relationship. But I digress.) You should feel understood, valued, and appreciated for who you are. You shouldn’t ever have to apologize for being yourself, or for loving your spouse/partner; if you find yourself doing that, again, you probably are in the wrong relationship.

What Ista finds out through her adventures is very simple, but also very profound: Life means more when you know yourself. You can do more with your life once you know your talents and gifts, no matter how unusual they may be to your particular culture and belief system. And only by fully realizing who we are and acting on our talents can we be open enough to embrace a new love relationship despite whatever hardships you had to deal with in the past.

I think the reason I can at least consider having another relationship (if it ever happens) is because Michael was a wonderful, caring, and considerate husband. In every way — mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual — he and I were a match. (One of the ministers I’ve talked to since Michael died told me he thought Michael and I knew each other before we were born, and were supposed to be with one another all along. I told the minister that I wish I’d have known where Michael was, as I’d have gone out to San Francisco by the age of twenty if not sooner to find him. But I also knew that one of the reasons he and I took to each other so quickly is because we’d lived life and knew what we wanted along with what we didn’t want and couldn’t tolerate in a marriage. Maturity was part of what was needed for the two of us to get along like a house on fire, in other words.)

Right now, I’m only eight days from passing the saddest anniversary of all: the day Michael died. Even though I believe firmly that the spirit is eternal, and that Michael in some ways never left me at all (as the two of us did become one, and as long as I’m alive, at least part of him is, too), it’s tough not to be able to get a hug from him. Or a kiss. Or anything else, especially during tough times like what I’m dealing with right now.

Knowing you are loved helps to get through the bad times. It also helps you believe that better days are possible. But getting to those better days is a struggle, especially when you seem to be in a position where you can do little to affect your own outcome.

None of us widows and/or widowers have chosen to be in this particular state. All of us who had loving spouses want our husbands and wives back. We don’t like having to walk alone, even though the memories of that love help to sustain and nurture us so we can at least make the attempt to do the walking.

Anyway, along with Katharine Eliska Kimbriel’s three books in the Night Calls series, I’ve added PALADIN OF SOULS to the frequently re-read pile. I find more and more stuff in there that feels extremely true to life, and like Allie in Ms. Kimbriel’s books, Ista is a heroine worth remembering and appreciating.