Archive for the ‘Michael B. Caffrey’ Category
Odds and Ends
Today’s post is going to be a catch-all of various things.
First, I had been pursuing a job in Madison, WI; it was a writing/editing gig and I felt I could really help the particular company in question, and that it would be something I could do that would not set off my particular round of health issues (I am partially disabled, physically, though there’s nothing wrong with my mind or work ethic). But this job has said “no” even though I apparently got to the very last round . . . this might be considered a triumph after eighteen months of unemployment (I’m certain my late husband Michael would find it so), but it’s hard to see it that way now as I’m still among the ranks of the unemployed, nor do I have a job that’s right up my alley as I’d truly hoped this job would be.
So back to the drawing board, there.
As for the Wisconsin protests against sitting Governor Scott Walker and his atrocious “budget repair bill” that would strip public employee unions of their collective bargaining rights and would drastically cut Medicaid and our low-income health program Badgercare (I’m on the Badgercare waiting list as I qualify, but last I knew there were nearly 100,000 on the waiting list before it was frozen last September), they are still happening. There are protests all over Wisconsin; there was a protest in Racine a few days ago that I unfortunately was unable to attend that netted two hundred or so in the freezing rain, while in La Crosse a bunch of university professors joined the local teacher’s union (perhaps the one their teaching assistants belonged to; I’m unsure on that — note that when I was a graduate teaching assistant at Nebraska, we were not unionized, though my brother, who is a teaching assistant at Indiana, is) even though they didn’t need to do so for their jobs in solidarity with the protestors. There have been protests in Superior, which is across the Mississippi River from Duluth, MN, against this “budget repair bill” of Walker’s . . . there have been protests in Oshkosh, Green Bay, Eau Claire, and elsewhere along with the usual places to protest, Madison (our state capitol) and Milwaukee. In addition, many Republican legislators homes are being picketed, including my own newly-elected state Senator, Van Wanggaard (it’s not a constant thing, but it has happened in the last ten or eleven days more than once, and with more than one person) . . . the state remains opposed to Walker’s union-busting provisions while being divided on whether or not Walker’s budgetary proposals are good or bad for the state.
However, many commercials are being aired by the so-called Wisconsin Club for Growth, which is no such thing — that is a front group funded by the wealthy Koch brothers (they of the infamous “prank call” fame, where Gov. Walker admitted he was trying to bust the unions along with many other things that may get him into hot water with the Government Accountability Board here in WI), and is headquartered in Washington, DC — to recall state Senator Bob Wirch of Burlington/Kenosha. These commercials are obnoxious, and offensive, aping the “All Points Bulletin” of a policeman’s call to his dispatcher . . . when I heard them, I immediately wrote a letter to Wirch expressing my support for his position and told him I’m glad he’s sticking up for Wisconsin’s voters because goodness knows, aside from the “WI 14” Democratic Senators, no one else is. (That they’ve had to flee the state in order to avoid a quorum is the only thing they could do to slow this process down.)
I truly hope Bob Wirch isn’t recalled, mind, but even if he is, it’ll take time.
Speaking of recall, I know I’m already planning on recalling Van Wanggaard in a year’s time, the first permissible date as he’s newly-elected, because he obviously does not represent Racine voters — according to a recent article in the Racine Journal-Times, Racine Assemblyman Cory Mason has had 1057 calls against the “budget repair bill” of Scott Walker’s, while he’s had 97 for it, and Racine Assemblyman Robert Turner (my particular Assemblyman) has had over 1000 calls against while only 20 in favor as of earlier this week on Monday. (What does that tell the rest of you about what Racine thinks about this, hmm? Do you really think Wanggaard, who’s said he’ll vote “yes” on this bill, is properly representing Racine on this issue? I know I sure don’t.)
In sports news, Milwaukee Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy has had surgery on his right pinkie finger (his throwing hand) and may miss the start of the season as he’s not supposed to throw for a month. They put a pin into his right pinkie finger and Lucroy says he will catch (but supposedly not throw; how is that supposed to work again? Will he have a coach sitting there who will take the ball out of Lucroy’s glove, then toss it back to the pitcher in question in the bullpen before the pitcher throws again?) and that he doesn’t plan to miss any time whatsoever.
What is a little bit frustrating about Lucroy’s assertion is that he’s a very young man. He needs to be careful of his health. If he tries to come back too soon, he’ll be hurting himself, long-term. He seems to be worried he’ll lose his starting position, or maybe he’s even worried about being sent back to Triple A (AAA) ball due to injury, but I think that’s highly unlikely. If Lucroy rushes himself now, he may end up worsening this injury down the line and perhaps even shortening his overall career (as throwing arms are important, and messing with your motion due to an injured finger is very common) if he over-does. I hope the Brewers new training staff (with a new manager came new coaches and staff) will “sit” on him and get him to back off working so hard; it’ll be difficult for Lucroy to sit and watch, but it’ll be much, much better for his team overall if he just lets this heal without hindrance.
Other than that, in Brewers’ news, Zach Greinke said he’s having issues with his new medicine for Social Anxiety Disorder (or SAD) and the sports talkers in Milwaukee seem concerned about it as Greinke said that the new med makes him “more tired” but didn’t really clarify in what way; some talkers seem to believe that means he’ll have trouble with his stamina on the mound, but I doubt this . . . I’ve never had SAD, but my grandmother needed anxiety medicine in her last years of life — I know this isn’t exactly the same thing, mind you — and changing a medicine’s dosage, even, can make you feel more tired at the end of the day, or perhaps when you wake up. These feelings wear off after a little bit, but can get in your way if you don’t know what’s going on at first . . . anyway, Greinke probably meant that he’s getting used to the new dosage, doesn’t like it, and would rather not have to deal with it, but not that he’ll have any trouble pitching.
At any rate, the way Wisconsin is going right now, I’ll be glad to see the Brewers in action. I know that I’m ready for some baseball, and I’m more than ready for some healthy interest in something beyond the asinine behavior of our current, sitting Governor.
E-Quill Publishing Features Michael’s Stories
Cover Page for "On Westmount Station"
I’m very pleased to announce that my late husband Michael’s work is being featured at the e-Quill Publishing Web site. Please see this link for further details:
http://www.equillpublishing.com/xcms_entry.php?xcmsentryid=42
Here’s the press release in its entirety:
Michael B. Caffrey is an eBook author from the USA. Due to the tireless devotion of his wife and fellow author, Barb Caffrey, Michael’s works continue to live on even though he passed away suddenly of an illness in 2004.
Much of what Michael wrote has been edited, and in some parts, co-authored by his wife Barb, who has succeeded in capturing the essence and ‘feel’ of Michael’s style. Not an easy accomplishment but one she achieved well, given her intimate knowledge and understanding of her husband’s style.
Titles released through e-Quill Publishing
Among those works listed through e-Quill Publishing, are included the popular Columba series, a fantasy magical series written for his wife Barb. The titles include
Columba and the Cat (2002)
Columba and the Committee (2002)
Columba and the Crossing (2004)
Columba Collection of short stories (2010).
Michael also wrote science fiction, creating the Joey Maverick series, a series set in an alternate far future setting.
A Dark and Stormy Night (2001)
On Westmount Station (2010)
***** End Press Release *****
Please note there are more stories on the way, at least four more in the “Joey Maverick” universe, at least one more in the “Columba” fantasy universe, and of course there are many, many more stories in my Elfyverse, which Michael helped me start and without his influence wouldn’t be the same place.
Michael’s work deserved to live; so did he, but unfortunately despite my fervent wishes (and, I’m sure, his), that did not happen. That his stories live on is a blessing, though never as much a blessing as was his presence in my life.
Know that I will work as fast as I can to get more stories written or finished. I’m very pleased that there has been demand for these stories, and I want you all to know that as long as I’m alive, I will continue to work on all of this along with my own Elfyverse and all other stories that were in progress at the time of Michael’s death but for a time had to be set aside until I was once again ready to deal with them.
Time to de-stress
After the tumult of the past week, I badly needed a day to get away from it all and de-stress.
You see, I get very worked up about politics. I don’t see it as “political theatre,” or at least not just that . . . I see it as extremely important. And sometimes, the importance of the political moment can crowd out everything else.
I don’t know about anyone else, but what I do to de-stress is to read my favorite “comfort books” (as I discussed a few blogs ago), rest, then meditate after I’m a bit calmer. Because things are usually neither as bad as they first appear, nor as rosy as they can look in our best moments — they’re like people, period, and have elements of both.
That we can have the seed of hope in a truly despairing day is one of those conundrums philosophers have been trying to solve for millenia, and I know I certainly don’t have the answer to it. But that does seem a saving grace, now and again.
Yesterday, the hope I saw despite all the tumult was an unusual picture — on MSNBC’s “The Ed Show,” starring disc jockey and humanitarian Ed Schultz, he had a member of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered (GLBT) community in Madison right alongside a member of the pro-life community in Madison. This is rarely seen; even more rare, they got along, and agreed that what the protestors are fighting about (the right to have their voices be heard through collective bargaining) is extremely important.
But I couldn’t take in that hopeful picture just then; I was too wracked by the suffering I could see, easily, if the current Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, gets his way.
Therefore, what this blog is about is simple: sometimes we need to take a step back when we’re too emotionally involved in something — particularly if it’s an external event. (I’m not saying you should step back from your love relationships; far from it! Though sometimes sleeping on a decision helps you, so the principle does apply somewhat even to this example.) Only when we de-stress a bit can we actually figure out that there are hopeful things going on all around us, big and small . . . and that life isn’t as bad as it first appears.
My late husband Michael often used this axiom — just get through the day, or as he put it, “sufficient unto the day are the needs thereof.” (I know he’s quoting someone but I haven’t been able to figure out who said this first.) It helps to remember that not everything in the world is awful, hopeless, bleak beyond belief or worthless, even though stupid things do keep happening (today, in Madison, some probably well-meaning doctor handed out fake “I am really ill” slips to anyone who asked, including a Fox News producer) that make my teeth grind.
Now, I’m going back and watching some more of “The Maury Show,” which is yet another way to de-stress that I find extremely helpful. I hope you find your way to relax, get away from it all — at least mentally if you can’t physically — and remember to enjoy whatever you can of your life.
Persistence is Key
Nothing gets done in this world without one, simple truth: persistence.
Without persistence, we wouldn’t have one of our greatest American Presidents, Abraham Lincoln — admittedly an exalted example — because what most people fail to remember from the 1858 Lincoln-Douglas Debates is that Abraham Lincoln was then a candidate for the United States Senate from Illinois. And he lost, which ultimately was a great thing for the country (how could Abraham Lincoln have become President in 1860 if he’d been a sitting Senator?), yet he couldn’t have known this in 1858.
In the writing field, the career path of Sharon Lee and Steve Miller has already been discussed, extensively, by me, as they are shining examples of what persistence, faith in yourself and genuine talent can do to keep dreams alive.
In the music field, the career of Art Pepper (1925-1982), alto saxophonist, is an insightful example. Pepper had major drug problems, and ended up in prison for over ten years in the 1950s, just as he was starting to make a name for himself. He resumed his career after that ten years only after he met his third, and last, wife, Laurie; some of his best work was recorded between 1975 and 1982, the year of his death. In his autobiography (transcribed by Laurie Pepper), STRAIGHT LIFE, Pepper described the difficulty he had in believing he could still make great music, and credited his wife, Laurie, for her faith and belief in him until the end of his life. (Sometimes, behind every great man really is a great woman.)
And not everyone becomes famous or appreciated his or her lifetime; Charles Ives (1874-1954) is a famous example in music (he was a composer, but was known more for being an insurance executive than as a composer or musician). Ives’s best-known composition, “Variations on America,” features bitonality and polyrhythms, and was far ahead of its time in how melody and harmony were conceptualized. Ives, in general, was at least fifty years ahead of his time in how he conceptualized harmony and melody. (This is partly why Ives’s music wasn’t much appreciated until he was near death, and afterward.)
Going on with this theme, Emily Dickinson (1830-1886) was barely-known during her lifetime; she’d written thousands of poems, but only a dozen were published during her lifetime, often altered by publishers to “fit the rules of the times.” (Haven’t we all heard this, writers?) She was known for writing poems without titles; for using “slant rhymes,” or close-to rhymes (like “ill” and “shell”); for short sentences, and for unconventional capitalization and punctuation.
All of these examples — every single last one of them — shows the importance of continuing to do whatever the person (or people) in question was good at, because by doing so, that was eventually what caused the breakthrough in every single life. It wasn’t always noticeable at the time — I’m sure Sharon Lee and Steve Miller had no idea their Liaden Universe (TM) books had become so popular before the advent of the Internet (they’ve said so, in other places) — but that was what did it for them.
In other words, PERSISTENCE IS KEY. Because we cannot force a breakthrough; we might not even recognize a small breakthrough when it happens. But we can persist, and keep on going; we can continue to believe in ourselves, and keep up “the good fight,” while refusing to surrender our creativity to anyone for any reason. And being married to a good person — as Sharon Lee is to Steve Miller, as Charles Ives was, to Harmony Twitchell, as Art Pepper was, to Laurie Pepper — can really and truly help.
It is that last quality that I tend to highlight, being fortunate enough to marry the right man for me, Michael B. Caffrey, and I do my best to remember, every day, how much faith and belief he had in me. But all of the other qualities — talent, self-belief, drive, honest ambition, a willingness to “do your thing” regardless of what anyone else thinks about it — are just as important; in some cases, like Emily Dickinson’s, if a person was relying on finding and marrying the right person to propel him or her to greatness, it just wasn’t going to happen.
So I urge you, once again, to keep on trying. Refuse to give up, no matter how long it takes. Give yourself a chance, even if no one else will . . . and do your best to let your dreams take shape.
My favorite “comfort books”
After several extremely trying days, I read some of my favorite “comfort books” in order to feel better and be able to keep going. And that got me thinking about what, exactly, is a “comfort book?”
To my mind, a “comfort book” is one that will give you a positive feeling time and time again. It’s a book that gets your mind off your troubles, or at least diverts you from them somewhat. And it’s a book that you tend to admire for some reason — maybe due to how well the writer in question uses language, maybe because the characters “speak” to you, maybe because it has a bright and lively feel to it, or maybe just because these characters have survived something terrible but have lived to tell the tale.
These books all inspire me to do more, be more, and to keep trying, no matter how hard it gets and no matter how long it takes. Though the plotlines are disparate, and the situations all over the map, they all have in common one thing — they reach me, no matter how awful I feel, and no matter what sort of chaos is going on all around me.
So in no particular order, here are my favorite books that I turn to again and again when I’m feeling the most down and out:
MIRROR DANCE, Lois McMaster Bujold — Mark Vorkosigan’s story goes from anti-hero to full-fledged hero, has huge peaks and miserable valleys, and contains some of the best writing of Ms. Bujold’s career to date.
CORDELIA’S HONOR (omnibus of SHARDS OF HONOR and BARRAYAR), Bujold — Cordelia Naismith Vorkosigan’s story is humane, interesting, revealing, and engaging. Cordelia makes her own life her own way, yet realizes she’s as fragile down-deep as anyone else. Finding a mate as extraordinary as she is in Aral Vorkosigan is half the fun — watching what they accomplish together is the rest. This is my favorite of all Ms. Bujold’s novels/novel compilations; it also was my late husband Michael’s favorite work by Bujold.
Poul Anderson, the “Dominic Flandry” series (two outstanding novels in this series are A KNIGHT OF GHOSTS AND SHADOWS and A STONE IN HEAVEN) — Flandry is an interstellar secret agent, a literate and erudite man with impeccable taste who still manages to be a flawed human. He’s also a bon vivant with an alien valet and a romantic heart buried beneath his cynical exterior. If you haven’t read any of these stories yet, you should.
André Norton, FORERUNNER FORAY and ICE CROWN — Note that Miss Norton wrote many, many outstanding novels in the science fiction, fantasy, romance and historical romance fields; these are my two favorites. The former novel has a heroine in Ziantha who goes from unwanted child to highly-trained psychic, albeit in thrall to the latter-day version of the Mafia; how she breaks free and finds friends and companions is well worth the read. The latter features Roane Hume, an unwanted cousin forced to do her uncle’s will on a backward planet that knows nothing of space travel or advanced societies; Roane finds her own inner strength and throws off her shackles while finding the right man for her (more alluded to than delineated, but there), proving that knowledge indeed is power. (Note that André Norton was Michael’s all-time favorite SF&F writer. He had good taste.)
Stephen R. Donaldson — A MAN RIDES THROUGH. This is the second book of the “Mordant’s Need” duology and is a rousing tale of romance, mistaken motivations, political intrigue, and contains an unusual magic system dealing with the shaping and control of various mirrors. The two main protagonists, Terisa and Geraden, go from not knowing anything to being supremely powerful and confident in and of themselves while maintaining their fallible, undeniably human nature in a realistic way that reminded me somewhat of medieval epics (albeit with magic). Excellent book that works on all levels, and as always, Donaldson’s command of language is superb and worth many hours of study.
Rosemary Edghill, TWO OF A KIND and THE SHADOW OF ALBION (the latter written with André Norton) — the first is a hysterically funny Regency romance, the second is an “alternate Regency” with magic. Excellent books.
Mercedes Lackey, BY THE SWORD and Vanyel’s trilogy (MAGIC’S PAWN, MAGIC’S PROMISE, MAGIC’S PRICE) — both emotional and well-conceived, these books draw you in and don’t let go. Ms. Lackey is one of the most popular novelists in fantasy literature, and it’s easy to understand why.
KRISTIN HANNAH, WHEN LIGHTNING STRIKES — I go back to this book again and again because of the strength of its romance between contemporary woman Alaina “Lainie” Constanza and the outlaw John Killian in 1896; this is a paranormal, time-traveling romance that gets everything right. The characters are engaging though deeply flawed, and have had terrible things happen to them in the past but manage to overcome all difficulties by believing in the power of their love — but taking time to get there, which makes things far more realistic.
Linnea Sinclair, AN ACCIDENTAL GODDESS. I enjoy all of Ms. Sinclair’s work, but it’s the story about psychic priestess Gillaine “Gillie” Davré in the far future (she’s a Raheiran, is also a soldier and member of the Raheiran Special Forces) that always draws me back. Gillie is a complex heroine that, despite her special abilities (of which she has many), still remains a flawed human being. (The Raheirans think of themselves as human. Other types of humanity, such as the Khalarans Gillie works with, tend to think of them as lesser Gods and Goddesses, which discomfits Gillie no end.) Her love story with Khalaran Admiral Rynan “Make it Right” Makarian, a man as complex and interesting as she is, holds my interest time and time again.
Jane Austen, EMMA and MANSFIELD PARK — these are my two favorite novels of Miss Austen’s output, partly because the first is a biting satire and the second a morality play in addition to the “comedy of manners” Miss Austen seemingly could write in her sleep. I appreciate Miss Austen’s work more and more as I get older; her craftsmanship was outstanding and her eye for detail even better. (Note that Jane Austen, like André Norton, was one of Michael’s favorite writers. It was because of Michael’s insistence that I re-read EMMA and realized the fluffy nature of it concealed biting wit and savage satire, then I went on to re-read everything else.)
Finally, there’s the writing team of Sharon Lee and Steve Miller and their entire “Liaden Universe” series. I can’t say enough how much I admire these two writers, how much I appreciate their fine series of books (twelve or so to date), and how much I’m looking forward to GHOST SHIP, the sequel to both SALTATION and I DARE.
These books are all emotionally honest, they get the issues right, they don’t play games with the reader and the way these writers use the English language is superb. I gain more every time I turn to these authors and their books, and I believe you will, too, if you give them a chance.
Stories at e-Quill Publishing and State of the Elfyverse
Folks, it’s that time of year again . . . time for my periodic “state of the Elfyverse” post, and also a friendly reminder of my stories, and Michael’s, that are available at e-Quill Publishing.
As for the Elfyverse — Part 45 of AN ELFY ABROAD is complete. Parts 43 and 44 have been revised and are complete. Part 46 has been started. Not a bad month’s work.
As for the Elfyverse (new) short story, “Boys Night In,” I have a new beginning that works a little better, but it’s still in progress. I’ve maybe added 500 words, total, since the last time I discussed it . . . more work to go on that one. The story stands, right now, at 8500 words in length.
“Keisha’s Vow,” the ELFY prequel set in 1954 (with dead characters being alive, while others are much younger), remains stalled out. Right now it’s in the novella range, but I think it projects to a full (albeit short) novel . . . I know what comes next but not quite how to get there, as if I’d missed a few steps along the path that is this particular story. Still working on this one.
As for ELFY, I haven’t found an agent yet, nor have I found a publisher for it, but I remain hopeful.
Now, as for the stories at e-Quill Publishing? One is mine alone, a short story satire about friendship, aliens, and unemployment called “The Fair at South Farallon.” It’s 3750 words long and is available at this link:
http://www.equillpublishing.com/the-fair-at-south-farallon.html
The next one is an Elfyverse short story that originally appeared at the Written Word Online Magazine in 2007, “Trouble with Elfs,” that was started with the able assistance of my late husband, Michael, thus he gets a credit for it. It’s available at this link:
http://www.equillpublishing.com/the-trouble-with-elfs-a-story-from-the-elfyverse.html
Finally, there are several stories of Michael’s available, the latest of which is the Joey Maverick adventure “On Westmount Station,” a story I finished for him and co-wrote. It is 10,000 words long, and if there’s interest in this story I plan to continue writing in my husband’s “Maverick” universe.
Please go to this link to find it; it’s a bargain at only $1.00 (Australian):
http://www.equillpublishing.com/joey-maverick-on-westmount-station.html
Just reviewed “The Dragon Variation” and “Mouse and Dragon” at SBR; Comments.
Folks, here’s the link before I forget:
Now, a few comments from me (otherwise known as the peanut gallery):
These books are excellent. Truly outstanding. Magical, even . . . they get all the emotions right. All the mores right. All the cultural issues right. The language is impressive, the descriptions are just right, and the romances are conflicted, realistic, sometimes amusing and touching, all at once.
I wish I could write this like this pair of authors, Sharon Lee and Steve Miller; I truly do.
The end of my review talked about the emotional, powerful impact MOUSE AND DRAGON had on me. MOUSE AND DRAGON is about the too-brief marriage of Aelliana Caylon and Daav yos’Phelium, and is realistic in so many ways about what happens to a widower when his spouse dies that I can’t even tote them up on a toteboard. That Aelliana’s presence sticks around (more or less in ghost form) is not the most amazing part of this achievement; it’s that Sharon Lee and Steve Miller — neither of whom have been widowed as far as I know — got it right that our deceased spouses do live on. In us.
One of the issues I’ve had with widowhood from the beginning is that I didn’t know how to express my feelings over the loss of my husband beyond rage, despair, extreme frustration and loss. It’s really hard to lose a spouse when you’re only thirty-nine years old, and you’ve only had a few, short years together. Blissful years, sure. But still — far too short.
The entire story of Daav’s marriage — how he met Aelliana, in SCOUT’S PROGRESS. How he married her, then lost her, in MOUSE AND DRAGON. How he dealt with her continued presence in FLEDGLING and SALTATION — has now been sketched out. It is a stunning achievement, one that I can’t praise highly enough; it shows two extremely intelligent people who are constrained by circumstances that manage to forge a life together, then manage to keep on loving each other in a meaningful way after one of the pair’s physical death.
Daav’s solution — which I will discuss here, but I warn you it is a spoiler if you haven’t read the end of MOUSE AND DRAGON, or any of FLEDGLING or SALTATION — is to immerse himself in an alternate identity, Jen Sar Kiladi, and thus take a lover. He has a child, Theo Waitley, by his lover, who is a half-sibling of his son Val Con yos’Phelium by his wife, Aelliana Caylon. And Aelliana has stuck around; she still views herself as Daav’s wife, and despite him taking a lover (at her insistence, I might add), nothing has changed for them as far as their feelings go. It’s just that because she no longer has a physical body, she can’t meet all his physical needs.
I’ve been pondering this. I think there’s something here that might help me, psychologically, deal with something I’ve really not wanted to have to think about — possibly being with another man.
You see, Michael was the ultimate in my experience. The best husband (as I had two previous ones, believe you me, I know how good a husband he was). The best, and most supportive person, I have ever had the privilege to know, yet he was not sycophantic and would tell me off if he felt the need (which, fortunately for me, was rarely).
How do you go beyond “the ultimate?” How do you find any meaning with anyone else?
I don’t know, but I’m finally willing to at least consider the possibility that someone extraordinary — someone like Kamele Waitley was for Daav/Jen Sar — might exist out there.
I’d best end this now, or I’ll get maudlin — and trust me, none of us need that.
The Holidays are here: Reflections on Grief.
Grieving people are often wholly misunderstood, even by friends and family members. And when holidays come around, that misunderstanding tends to become magnified tenfold, if not hundred-fold . . . simply put, oft-times the “advice” you get from the well-meaning is not worth the time to listen to it.
A case in point being the saying, “You need to move on” from your grief.
Move on to what, exactly?
I mean, here I am — I loved my husband with all my soul and all my strength, and I still love him to this day. I will always love him, and I don’t see anything wrong with that — the only difference between me and another grieving widow is that it’s been six years and three months (plus a day) since my husband died, and by this time most widows don’t say anything about how much they still miss their husbands. (Widowers, either, about their wives.)
Well, I’m tired of that unwritten rule, and here’s why.
When you love someone, you tell them. Often. You do good things for them. Often. You let others know that you care about your loved ones, as often as you can get away with it, and without pushing your relationship in someone else’s face, you do whatever you can to keep that relationship alive — a living, breathing thing. And everyone understands that, so long as your spouse, or your family member, or your friend, or even your beloved pet, is still alive.
But once that person (or pet) is dead, all bets are off. Suddenly, you’re not supposed to talk about the person any more, because he or she is dead. Even though you love him or her just as much as you did yesterday, and you appreciate his or her presence in your life for as long as he or she was able to stay, you’re now supposed to say nothing because “it’s not done.”
In fact, as a widow or widower, you’re supposed to take your wedding ring off, and prepare to date someone else, or there’s something wrong with you. (Like Hell there is, but that’s another issue entirely.)
So now, you’re not only not supposed to talk about the person you love so much, but you’re also supposed to surrender your most prized possession — your wedding ring — because “it’s not done” to keep wearing it.
I have news for anyone who thinks this way: you are being ridiculous.
I can’t make your decisions for you about how you grieve, nor whether you date again, nor how soon you date again, or anything else, because that’s all up to you. (As it should be.) But I categorically refuse to let anyone make my decisions for me.
My husband Michael was the most important, most valuable person in my entire life. Bar none. I refuse to stop talking about him — about his influence on me as a writer. As a person. As an editor. As anything — because what we had together was priceless. Invaluable. And well worth remembering and honoring.
Holidays are extremely difficult. I miss my husband with every breath I take. And I want him back . . . oh, how I want him back.
But all I can do is continue on. Keep trying. Keep creating. Keep his work alive, along with my own, and of course along with anything we started together.
Holidays, to me at least, are not entirely about spending time with family, though I do a good bit of that. And they aren’t all about gift-giving (financially, that’s out), though I do think a great deal about those less fortunate than me and pray for the best outcomes possible.
No.
Holidays, to me, are about remembrance. Are about love. Are about honor, and shared sacrifice, and about dreams becoming the truth — because, you see, Michael and I made our commitments to each other around this time eight years ago today.
And I would never, ever, wish to “move on” from remembering that.
Barb Caffrey's Blog 