Barb Caffrey's Blog

Writing the Elfyverse . . . and beyond

Archive for the ‘Persistence’ Category

Random Thoughts on Recent Sporting Events

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Folks, I am dealing with a sinus infection that is actually a secondary infection to something else. I suspect it was the flu (though I did get the flu shot, they “guessed wrong” and the strain we got wasn’t the one they’d tried to inoculate us against), but I will never be sure as I tested negative for it by the time I got into the doctor’s office. (For what it’s worth, I also tested negative for Covid.)

Anyway, while my attention span continues to be splintered, I did have a few thoughts yesterday, mostly while watching sports. During troubled times, like the times we’re going through right now in the United States, there’s a type of purity in sport that calls to me, possibly because it’s meritocratic to a large degree. (There are some games thrown off by bad officiating, mind you. That’s why I said “to a large degree” in the first place. But I digress.)

So, the first thing I watched over this weekend was a surprising Milwaukee Bucks team, with a healthier Giannis Antetokounmpo, beat the Los Angeles Lakers in Los Angeles on Friday night. The Bucks are under .500 (meaning they’ve lost more than they’ve won), mostly because Giannis was out for ten games or so. When Giannis plays, the Bucks are world-beaters. When he doesn’t, they struggle. A lot.

That said, this year’s Bucks team has shown improvement from everyone except Giannis (as Giannis is already All-World, what more can you do there but sustain your excellence? Which Giannis is doing, of course), and guard Ryan Rollins has been particularly good offensively and with assists. No one saw his huge improvement coming, though he played well in more limited playing time last year. Plus forward Kyle Kuzma has played substantially improved defense and seems much more comfortable and confident than he was last year after he was traded from the Washington Wizards for forward Khris Middleton. (There was more to the trade than these two guys, but they were the “main two” in the trade. I say this for sports’ fans completists, who will know full well that I’m not discussing that whole trade. But I digress again, and time is short.) Making this improvement even more surprising is that Kuzma has mostly played in the second unit, being the first or second guy off the bench (along with long-time Bucks excellent sixth man, Bobby Portis). So instead of starting, he’s coming in to spell others, and while he has played well also while filling in for Giannis, he really seems to have taken to the sixth (or seventh) man role. Further, Kuzma has been completely unselfish in his play, which I also think very few people would’ve expected.

A slight digression: Kuzma wasn’t selfish last year, I don’t think. But he had growing pains from being traded by a bad Washington Wizards team after having been by far the best player on that team. He only intermittently fit in with last year’s crop of Bucks players and seemed more than a bit uncomfortable. But all of that is gone now, and he’s been a standout of the Bucks season thus far.

Then, I watched the Green Bay Packers lose to the Chicago Bears after the Packers had led nearly all game. But as they’ve been doing lately, the Packers fell apart in the fourth quarter, and lost their fifth consecutive game. (This means they “backed in” to the playoffs, as other teams had to lose for them to advance due to their own problems.) This was partly because four or five of the best players on the team (besides Jordan Love, the quarterback, Malik Willis, the backup QB, and the wide receiving crew) were injured, including excellent defender Micah Parsons, who had season-ending surgery several weeks ago.

There’s talk now that Matt LaFleur, the head coach of the Packers, will be fired. I don’t think he should be. I think the team was trying to overcome a lot of unexpected injuries. I don’t think coaches should be fired when big-name players like Micah Parsons are too injured to play (and made a huge difference before his injury, granted). I also don’t think coaches should be fired when their excellent tight end, Tucker Kraft, was on the football equivalent of the disabled list in baseball (OK, they call it the “Injured List” now, but you know what I mean.) Too many front-line players were hurt, and if the Packers had trailed from the start, rallying only to fall short in the last few minutes, I think fans would be happier than what happened.

See, when it goes the other way — when you are leading the whole game, only to be caught at the end (there also was some abysmal play by the kicker, Brandon McManus; McManus is usually reliable and dependable, but he missed two field goals and worse than that, also missed an extra point and didn’t come close to making any of those three things) — fans get expectations. We can’t help it. We see how well the Packers are playing, or whatever team it is, and we start jumping to endings. “Wow, the Packers as the seventh seed are about to knock off the two-seeded Bears? Impressive!”

Then it doesn’t happen.

(Another digression: It reminds me of how I have to get my books back out there. I haven’t been up to rewriting blurbs. Some days lately, I have only been barely able to do the equivalent of trading water, though I did finish up a big edit a week and a half ago, and am working on another now.)

Finally, I got a chance to watch the men’s United States figure skating championships (oh, the miracles of modern television and streaming!), and was impressed with the top five skaters. Ilia Malinin won, of course, as was expected. (He does jumps no one else in the world can do, has excellent footwork and spins also, and basically is the best figure skater in the world.) Andrew Torgashev came in second (repeating his finish from last year’s nationals), Maxim Naumov third, Jacob Sanchez fourth, and Tomoki Hiwatashi came in fifth. All four of these men skated very well, though not perfectly (Sanchez probably came closest to perfection in his program, followed by Torgashev). Naumov was particularly impressive as he lost his parents (who were also his figure skating coaches) last year in the plane crash with the U.S. Army helicopter (it was unfortunately the helicopter operator’s fault, which doesn’t help anyone concerned). He was the sentimental favorite for an Olympic spot partly due to that, and partly due to the fact that he’s been on the cusp of figure skating excellence for at least four or five years.

Still, there were other great stories. Torgashev had two very fine performances in a row in his short and long programs and brought the crowd to its feet. Jacob Sanchez, only eighteen years of age, skated the program of his life and was visibly overjoyed at his performance, also earning a standing ovation. Takahashi finished only two points behind Sanchez in a strong fifth place, and both he and Sanchez were about two points behind Naumov’s third-place finish. (Seriously, if skating were more like a horse race, these three would’ve led to a photo finish or the equivalent. These guys did it different ways, but all skated the best they possibly could under the circumstances in my opinion.)

The lone disappointment, for me at least, was the performance of popular figure skater Jason Brown. Brown has the best overall skating skills in the world due to his phenomenal spins, excellent footwork, good, deep edges to his skating, and usually has competent-to-better jumps that look fantastic because of his overall approach to the sport.

But Saturday night wasn’t his night. He “popped” one jump (something happens when skaters jump and the body won’t let them rotate; that’s the best way I can explain this), turning a triple into a single. He nearly fell three times and did fall a fourth. (Granted, he did it balletically and if anyone can fall beautifully, it’s Jason Brown.) Most of his triple jumps were underrotated to my eye (and, unfortunately for him, also to the figure skating judges in the arena from what I could tell), though he did do a few good combo jumps with a triple and a double (and may have done one triple-triple). He had a good attitude about his skate, and didn’t show anything other than calmness and maturity, something I know I found very hard to do when I was competing in music contests (yes, even when I was in my early thirties, as Jason Brown now is). I can only applaud Brown for taking it in stride, as he’s had a great career in the sport and probably wanted to go out on a high note (as it’s generally assumed that this will be his last competitive year in figure skating), as did everyone who’s watched him over the years.

Now it’s up to the United States Olympic Committee (USOC) to pick the teams to represent the United States. Because Brown has been so reliable, there is thought he’d be placed on the team despite his performance yesterday evening as the third skater behind Malinin (a no-brainer) and Torgashev (second year in a row as silver medalist, also a no-brainer). But if it were up to me, Naumov makes the team instead of Brown, and both Sanchez and Hiwatashi go as first and second alternates, taken to Milan to observe and be ready in case anyone gets injured. Only after those five men are placed should Jason Brown be given any consideration, even with his long years in the sport and his overall popularity, mostly because figure skating is a sport where stars are often fleeting. For all I know, this could be Sanchez’s only chance despite his young age. Hiwatashi skated so well (as I said, both he and Sanchez were right up there with Naumov and all three had similar scores, with Naumov edging them both out — sorry about the pun there), he also deserves to go as an alternate.

Mind you, I don’t like having to type out those words because Jason Brown is a friendly, honest, kind-hearted person and has been a particularly distinctive and elegant skater for probably the last fifteen years if not a bit more. He broke onto the scene relatively early, and he’s stayed relevant now into his thirty-first year of life, which is almost unheard of in men’s skating these days due to the rigors of all those triple jumps (and, if you’re Malinin or the others I discussed in the top five, at least one quad jump, though Malinin has been known to have up to seven or so quads in his program). Those jumps are hard on the back, harder still on the knees, and probably are harder every year you skate due to past injuries and such.

So, as an “older performer” myself (though I am, ahem, a bit older than Brown’s thirty-one), I don’t like having to say stuff like this. I love Brown’s skating and wish he’d had the performance of his life, so he could go out on a high note as he deserved.

But sometimes, as I’ve said before, we don’t get what we want. We have to be resilient, which Brown has been his entire career, and find ways to be content with our performances even if they don’t turn out the way we want. (At least we got up there and tried. That’s more than most people can do right there.)

What I think should be done with Jason Brown is something akin to what the Dodgers did with Clayton Kershaw in the All-Star game. Kershaw wasn’t pitching his best anymore, but was a great pitcher, and will be elected to the baseball Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility. He deserved to go to the game out of longevity. He came in and pitched at most one inning (it might’ve been less), and the crowd was able to give Kershaw one final ovation.

I don’t know how you do that in figure skating. (I’m a long-term fan, but this situation hasn’t come up before, as best I can tell.) Brown deserves something similar, but how does it happen without slighting Naumov, Sanchez, and Hiwatashi, who all easily out-skated Brown last night? (As did a few others, as Brown finished up in eighth place.)

They only have so many spots. I know that. And the USOC can do one of four things:

  1. Reward Jason Brown for his longevity and give him the chance to win a team medal.
  2. Give Sanchez the third spot as he’s eighteen, an up-and-comer, and that will give him needed experience for his next Olympic try (providing he stays healthy) in 2030.
  3. Give Hiwatashi the third spot due to his overall improvement, his long record of international competitions and overall competitiveness. Or…
  4. Just name the top three finishers, Malinin, Torgashev, and Naumov, with Sanchez and Hiwatashi being alternates, as I said in the first place. (These last two probably will get sent to the Four Continents championship, which is often what the runners-up to the Olympic team get assigned to…but there’s nothing wrong with that.)

Those are my thoughts. This blog went on a little longer than I’d expected, but I hope that readers enjoyed it anyway…may you have a great week, full of happiness and kindness and resilience, and don’t let the bastards grind you down. (Whoever the bastards may be.)

Why My Novels Aren’t Currently Available…and What I Plan to Do About It (Plus an Update about the Housing Search)

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Folks, I had a few folks asking me lately, “Barb, what happened to your novels? Where are they? Why can’t I find them?”

The answer is, my former publisher, Twilight Times Books (TTB), has released the novels back to me. That means it is now up to me to republish them, independently. I have negotiated for the original covers (as I liked them) and it looks like I will have access to those. I’ll write some sort of forward and new afterword, I’m sure, too…but with everything else still in major flux, I just haven’t had the concentration I need to get everything in train.

My former publisher, Lida Quillen of TTB, has been great. I have the formatted files she used (a major help), along with other files for the covers, and now it’s just a matter of me getting a few hours of good-to-excellent concentration (so I can concentrate on writing a forward and an afterword and add that to the files, hoping I don’t manage to screw up the formatting in so doing) to get them back out there and available again.

So, for the moment, my three novels AN ELFY ON THE LOOSE (aka Elfy Book 1), A LITTLE ELFY IN BIG TROUBLE (aka Elfy Book 2), and CHANGING FACES (a gender-bending spiritual romance that’s been called “Freaky Friday on Acid” that has nothing whatsoever to do with the Elfy books) are unavailable.

I hope to have them back up and available by December 15, 2025. I’m saying this now, publicly, openly, just so you know I am working on it, and that I will find a way to get it done. (Without Lida’s helpfulness in getting me the files and putting me in touch with the cover artists, I wouldn’t have known what to do. I appreciate her willingness to help, as she didn’t have to do anything of the sort.)

While I have many short stories out there and still have the two first stories about Joey Maverick and the very first one about Peter Welmsley available (all three listed as co-written by Michael, my late husband, as these were originally his characters and much of what I had was stuff I’d expanded out a little bit), it is odd not to have my three novels available to purchase.

That will be rectified soon, no matter what, because it’s important that these novels be put back out there for my own peace of mind. I worked hard on these books, I believe they have worth and value, and it is imperative I get them back out there.

By the way, for those of you asking for a moving update…I’m in a holding pattern. I am on quite a few waiting lists for apartments, but there seems to be very little movement in the housing market right now, possibly because of the uncertainty regarding the economy. And the one day I did get a solid tip about an apartment, I wasn’t able to follow through with it due to health reasons. (It was only going to be shown for one day for two hours. I could not get there at that time. I felt bad I couldn’t get there.)

My stuff is mostly in storage and has been for a bit under three months. It’s safe, as the place I picked is reliable, and there are cameras there. The lock they gave me is hard for me to operate (I have tendinitis in both hands and wrists), so when I go there I have to make sure I have someone else with me to open and close the gate (when I went there once by myself, I ended up having to call my best friend’s husband to ask for help as he was one of the folks who helped me get stuff into storage in the first place). It’s like adding an extra obstacle to a course already full of them.

But I persevere, and do the best I can, and hope for better days ahead. Not just for me, either…for everyone I know, too, as life seems quite difficult for just about everyone right now.

Written by Barb Caffrey

November 23, 2025 at 3:57 am

A Quick Update

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Hey, everyone. Sorry it’s taken me a while to get up a new blog, but I’ve been quite vexed with the housing search. When I was younger — at my first undergraduate school — it took about a month to find a place when nearly everything else was rented. But this search has gone way beyond that, especially as I started it in August…it’s well over three months, and I have yet to find a place to live that I can afford.

That said, I’ve also been battling my usual fall maladies of chronic sinus infections, general malaise, fibromyalgia flares/back problems, and of course the chronic depression I deal with daily. Being able to create helps me fight against all of that. But being in this situation works against being creative, as most of my energy is going toward either survival or finding a new place.

That said, for the moment I am still safe and staying with a family member. Later this month, if I still do not have a place, though, I’m not sure what will happen as the apartment complex here isn’t happy that I’ve been here so long without paying any rent to them. So this is the last month I can do that, though it may be possible for me to “reset the clock” by going to a hotel for a day or two. (Any longer than that, I can’t afford.)

As far as writing goes, I’ve been mostly stalled for all the reasons I gave above. As far as editing goes, I’m finally almost done with a lengthy edit — quite intense, lots of comments to make, and because it’s the last in a series, I have to make sure everything stays in good order. (This means I look stuff up. Nothing wrong with that. But any writer or editor worth anything will tell you what I’m saying right now: the work goes far more slowly if you’re having to do lots of cross-checks with previous books.) I believe I’ve done that, and it’s now just down to the final few things before it goes off to my client.

I am doing my best, in other words. Sometimes I get quite frustrated. (Actually, most of the time.) This is not what I’d hoped for, and not what my father wanted for me, and definitely not what anyone who knows me now and is still alive (including my family) wants either. Yet it’s where I am, and all I can do is my best with the circumstances I’ve got and go from there.

Tomorrow is Veteran’s Day in the US, as probably most of you know. My father was a Navy veteran, as was my late husband, Michael. I have cousins who’ve served, and many friends, along with an ex-husband (he was in the Army, back in the day). I respect people greatly who have served their country, and I appreciate what they’ve done to make this country a better place.

There’s still lots of upheaval going on around me because of governmental issues and strains, too. Everything seems to be in flux, not just me and my living situation.

I wonder sometimes if I am in the wrong place, doing the wrong things, and that I am so far off the track meant for my life (which was to be a college music teacher and performer before my poor health and finances got in the way), there’s no way for me to find my way back.

That said, I’ve done what I thought was best. I’ve helped people as I’m able and will continue to do that as long as I live. I’ve taught myself editing, and am good at it. I write, and always will write, whatever suits me: nonfiction, poetry, fiction, you name it, I can write it and probably have. I’ve used my musical talents in ways I hadn’t expected, but they have been used…and if my health gets any better, perhaps I’ll be able to use them again. (I’d still like to visit France and/or Spain someday, as that’s where classical alto saxophonists are most appreciated.)

So, while I’m battling depression, as I said before, I am still alive. So long as I’m alive, there’s at least some hope for better. I am looking for that hope, while also doing what I can to find my own, independent place to live. (It’s easier to help others when you have a place that’s truly yours where you can retreat to, as needed. A sanctum santorum, in other words. I haven’t had that now in any way, shape, or form for over three months.)

I battle the thought that I’ve failed (all of my novels right now need to be republished, as the rights have reverted back to me and are no longer for sale; unfortunately that’s on the back burner unless/until I can find a place of my own). I battle the thought that Michael might be unhappy with me (though really, I can’t see why he would be; he always thought I was too hard on myself, and this is probably just another of those times). I battle the thought that my maturity and experience may not matter in a world filled with so much automation and the flirtations with AI. I also battle my health, as anyone who’s spent any time here knows…but all I can do is my best.

This is my mantra right now: All I can do is my best.

Maybe that’s how it is always for everyone. But this sense of it being crisis city all the time is hard to live with, and I hope it’ll be alleviated soon. (No disrespect to my family member who took me in, either. That was not easy and I appreciate it greatly. It’s just that I am frustrated with this…and really do need a sanctum santorum of my own for creative reasons.)

So, that’s the update, such as it is.

How are you all doing? (Hopefully better than I am, but at least if you’re alive and kicking, that counts.) Do let me know, if you’re able…I would appreciate it greatly.

Written by Barb Caffrey

November 10, 2025 at 11:44 am

No Housing News Yet…But Milwaukee Brewers Continuing to Thrive

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Folks, I knew I owed you all some sort of update regarding my housing situation. I wish I had a better one. I’m still looking for a place and remain on quite a few waiting lists. I am moving up on those lists, but not quickly enough.

I’m still staying with a relative. This is not an easy situation for either one of us. I appreciate the help, though I wish I didn’t need it, and every day is a struggle.

One of the few bright spots I’ve had to consider has been the overall play of the 2025 version of the Milwaukee Brewers. Last year, in the MLB playoffs, the Brewers were eliminated in the first round at the very last minute by the New York Mets (a late homer by Pete Alonso, a slugging first baseman/superstar, off our star closer, Devin Williams, was what caused the Brewers to be eliminated). So this year, in order to have a better playoff chance, the team set a new record for wins with 97 and had the best overall record in the entirety of MLB. This guaranteed the Brewers would have more home games than road games in the playoffs, and also guaranteed a first-round bye so the team could heal up a little.

What’s been so outstanding about the play of the 2025 Brewers is how everyone called to help has stepped up. There was an outfielder called up during the summer, Steward Berroa, who made a great highlight-reel catch in centerfield to save one game, and he was only up a few days with the Brewers. Other standouts were the pitching of Chad Patrick, shuttling back and forth from Triple-A to the big-league club, the pitching of Logan Henderson (who showed without a doubt that he’s a big-leaguer, but was not able to stick in the bigs due to too many people ahead of him at the position), the fact that good players like Blake Perkins and Robert Gasser were able to heal from injuries and come back to contribute…no matter what, the Brewers found a way to win.

And they even turned one odd situation into an advantage, in that pitcher Aaron Civale did not want to be a reliever even on a team that could well win the World Series. He felt he would not make enough money next year if he became a reliever, so the Brewers had to find a trade partner in a hurry. They did. The Chicago White Sox had a struggling first baseman named Andrew Vaughn, who they’d sent to Triple-A over his lack of productivity at the plate. The Brewers swapped Civale for Vaughn, and that was one of the turning points for the Brewers as Vaughn (after an injury to starting first baseman Rhys Hoskins) stepped up in a big way for the Brewers and became not just a star with the team, but a fan favorite.

There’s no quit in the 2025 Brewers. They just keep going. They’re relentless. Their manager, Pat Murphy, has described them as “woodpeckers,” which seems accurate as they just keep pecking away. They are a resilient and determined team, they get along well with each other (always a plus), and they’ve just found a way to keep getting better all season long.

Right now, they are preparing for Game 4 against the Chicago Cubs in Chicago. The Brewers lead this series, two games to one. (The Brew Crew lost last night to Chicago, 4-3.) And they’ll have their very best starting pitcher, their ace, Freddy Peralta, pitching tonight.

No major reporter for MLB picked the Brewers to be as good as they turned out to be. (Most had the Brewers finishing in fourth place, and not even winning more games than they lost. They were quite wrong.) Even now, the Brewers are not expected to beat teams they handily beat all season long if they continue in the playoffs (I’m looking squarely at you, Los Angeles Dodgers), and they’re certainly not expected by the major media outlets to be the National League’s entrant in the World Series.

I hope they will be, though. I like this team a lot. It reminds me of my favorite-ever team, the 1982 Brewers (then in the American League), which was another team that just did not quit and kept going no matter what. The ’82 team is the only one that has ever reached the World Series, and it did not win (though it did take seven games to eliminate the Brewers and end their season without the WS win). It’s about time a new Brewers team gets a chance to win a World Series…and the 2025 team is in an excellent position to do just that, providing they can get by the Cubs and whoever else they might have to play in the next round (the NL Championship Series, or NLCS) — right now, it would appear that team is likely to be the Dodgers, but it could still be the Phillies if the Phillies scramble and are able to win three games in a row (they won one game last night; two to go).

This team, like the ’82 Brewers, gives me hope that if you try hard enough, and you maximize your talents, and if you get some lucky breaks, you can still do very well for yourself. (The Brewers had a fourteen-game winning streak after an eleven-game winning streak earlier, and an eight-game winning streak as well. To win fourteen games in a row meant there were some good breaks happening; that’s when the phrases “Uecker Magic” to commemorate late baseball announcer and friend of the Brewers team Bob Uecker, and “Brewers Magic/Milwaukee Magic” were coined.) Mind you, that doesn’t mean you can take your eye off the ball. You have to keep doing your best, even when it seems hopeless, even when it seems like there’s no way you can win…you can only lose if you give up inside your head, and I refuse to do that.

So, I will cheer on my Brewers tonight as they take on the Cubs in Chicago. I’ll also keep trying to find a good place to live, one that I can afford, that has heat in the winter and air in the summer, in order to improve my overall physical health and give me the best chance to write, edit, and compose music.

21 Years (Yes, 21) Without Michael

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Folks, about a week ago, I observed the title milestone, one I wish I’d never have had to face.

There’s this weird thing about numbers, you see. They can really freak you out. I remember September 21, 2011, as that was the seventh year since Michael died. Supposedly, all the cells in your body are replaced within seven years. I didn’t like that milestone either.

Others I haven’t liked included in that same year the day I turned a day older than Michael was when he died (no, I’m not going to mention which day) and of course the day my best friend, Jeff Wilson, died in November.

So, the sad milestones (“sadaversaries” in my parlance, a contraction of sad and anniversaries) have kept piling up. Ten years without Michael on September 21, 2014. Twenty years without him, last year. And twenty-one years without him this year…it’s something we do, as human beings, to both mark the passage of time and the people who shaped us and meant the most to us. It must not be too surprising that I always know exactly how long it’s been without my beloved husband. But it’s still difficult, challenging, and frustrating.

The reason twenty-one years is significant has to do with something I once heard about learning music and other skills. If you have the talent and you put in the work, it supposedly takes twenty-one years to be adept in any given discipline.

How does that apply, though? Does that mean I’m adept at grieving now?

I don’t know. I wish I did.

There’s a lot of people I miss in this life. My grandma. My father. My aunt Laurice and uncle Carl. Jeff Wilson. Those are all huge losses, and I will remember them all until the end of my life.

But nothing and no one has ever been more important to me than my late husband. Michael understood me and I understood him. We fit in every possible way, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We had amazing, wide-ranging conversations, we were both creative (in addition to his writing, he was a great cook and an excellent artist), we both wanted most of the same things — stability, honesty, a deep and abiding commitment to one another, and to be together as long as we possibly could.

We did get almost three years from the time I met him, and two years, two months, and twenty-eight days of marriage. After so much loss, so much sadness, it seemed absolutely miraculous to meet Michael, and I know he felt the same way about me.

I’m still struggling with trying to find a new place to live. I’m also struggling with many other things at the moment, none of them particularly pleasant. But it does help me to know that Michael always believed in me, and he thought no matter how long it took, I would always find a way through any problem.

In short, I’d always survive.

When he was alive, of course, it would’ve been “survive and thrive.” But right now, survival is what I need to cling to, along with the belief that I can, will, and must get out of the current situation and into a better one.

Michael would tell me, if he could, that I have not failed. Not as a writer, as a musician, as a scholar, as a wife, or even as a widow. That I have not failed. So long as I keep trying, so long as there’s even a breath remaining in my body, I have not failed.

I’m trying to keep that thought in the top of my mind, these days, as the struggle continues.

Father’s Day Has Come and Gone (and I Have Thoughts)

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Folks, yesterday was the second Father’s Day I’ve observed since my Dad died. It wasn’t an easy day in a lot of senses, mostly because the weather has been crappy in addition to observing this day…the air quality here has been downright awful, not just for asthmatics like me, but for everyone due to the Canadian wildfire smoke.

Anyway, Dad and I had a complicated history and relationship. He helped me many times, which I appreciated, but did not want any appreciation for this. (“You’re my daughter,” he’d say firmly. “What am I supposed to do?”) We talked about a lot of sports, we also talked about current events, and while we didn’t always agree on everything, Dad was a good conversationalist and enjoyed verbal sparring to a degree.

I miss him.

He was cantankerous. He delighted in being that way. He felt men should be strong, capable, and caring…but he also really didn’t like a lot of what he was seeing in contemporary society.

For example, to him, Giannis Antetokounmpo should’ve married his wife a lot sooner. They had several children before they married. I think the reason for them not getting married before having the kids is because life as an international superstar is not easy. Scheduling something as big as a wedding must be a difficult endeavor for someone like Giannis.

I do think Dad would be happy that Giannis married at long last (as this happened after Dad’s passing). Giannis always was true to his wife, and he’s been true to his kids, and I think Giannis’s own father would’ve been proud of him whether Giannis ever legally married his wife or not.

The difference, though, is in how Dad, being of an older generation, viewed marriage. He truly believed you should not have kids before marriage. (He knew people had sex before marriage and had for thousands of years, regardless of what that partnership ritual was called.) He thought it a difficult and problematic thing for the children because of things he saw in childhood, no doubt.

See, my father lost his mother when he was just eleven years old. His father was at the time a long-distance trucker, I think…and while other relatives would’ve taken in Dad and his three siblings, they wouldn’t take all four of them. So, my grandfather Edward made the difficult decision to put all four of them in the local orphanage as that was the only way they’d see each other every day. (Dad said it wasn’t easy, either. His two sisters were in the girls’ wing, while he and his brother Richard were in the boys’ wing.)

I don’t know all the people Dad met in the orphanage, much less the lessons he learned there. I do know he was there, as were his sibs, and it marked him for the rest of his life.

Mind you, he was not bitter over it. He understood his father’s reasoning and was glad to be able to see his sibs every day (even if it wasn’t easy to see his sisters).

But his life was upended very early, which is one reason he was a huge supporter of places like the Boys Home and such. He’d been there. He knew that everyone should have as many opportunities as possible.

Dad did his best to make things as stable as they could be despite my parents’ marriage always being difficult. (Loving, but difficult, is the best I’ve got to describe it.) Even after my parents divorced, it was clear that we’d always have a home with him (and also with Mom). This was a good thing, because several times in my life, I needed to stay with Dad in order to sort out things as best I could.

While I’m glad I was with him the last several years until his body just gave out, I wish I could’ve had the big music career everyone had expected of me rather than the series of difficulties and distresses I endured otherwise.

Mind, I will never regret studying music. I continue to compose music when it comes to me, and it remains a big part of my life even though I haven’t been able to play my saxophone, clarinet, or oboe in almost two years.

I still believe that if my health ever improves, because of the talents I possess musically, I might do well overseas in France or Spain. They love classical saxophonists there, and the culture there has a richness that I would love to experience for myself.

Anyway, Dad served in the Navy, and he was stationed in Japan for a year or two (he was a radio technician). Because of this, he was sympathetic to my wish to go overseas and learn whatever there was, while experiencing whatever there was…even as he knew my health has never been robust, and that my dreams may stay just that.

Wisps in the ether.

Dad pivoted several times in his life when he needed to do so, even though he never liked it. (I don’t blame him.) He was an excellent postal carrier. (That’s how he always described it. “Mailman” didn’t seem like nearly enough.) He worked as a cashier and grocery stocker at one point (which I found out after I’d gotten a job as a cashier and stocker myself). He played the drums and spent over ten years in the Racine Municipal Band (starting before they changed the name to the current Racine Concert Band), mostly playing the bass drum. He delivered flowers and newspapers, too.

Dad also didn’t like most modern conveniences whatsoever. He disdained microwaves (though he didn’t mind me using it myself, as I have one), did his dishes by hand, and until the last few years of his life, used a push mower rather than a gas-powered one. He delighted in his orange tiger lilies, enjoyed watching nature — the squirrels, birds, bunny rabbits, etc., were endlessly fascinating to him.

Most of all, he enjoyed being in his own home, where he could make any food he wanted any time he wanted. The simple pleasures, he often said, were the best.

While many things in this world are deeply upsetting, we have to hold on to the positive things. The positive memories, too. We have to know what we stand for, and what ethical purpose we’re here to serve.

That’s what I learned from my father, among other things.

So, when I see bunny rabbits rooting in the yard and they look like they’re about to run away, I talk to them in a gentle voice. (Most of the time, they don’t run away if you’re kind and obviously mean them no harm.) When I see birds nesting in nearby trees, I wish them well raising their chicks. When I see the squirrels on the nearby fence, I laugh at some of their comical actions.

Life is very difficult. It can be frustrating, upsetting, and a hundred other things. But it also can be wonderful with the right people around you, and with a willingness to believe that kindness still matters.

That, too, I learned from my father, though he probably would be astonished to know that if he were still here.

At any rate, I wish everyone well and hope for a safe, peaceful, and enjoyable week ahead. (Drop me a note in the comments, if you’d like. I always enjoy hearing from my readers.)

P.S. For those who’ve asked — the health issues continue. It’s not just the bad air quality we’ve had off and on. I still have that rash and will be seeing the dermatologist again later this week. (Let’s hope that something can be done. At this point, I’m wondering if there’s an underlying infection.)

Written by Barb Caffrey

June 9, 2025 at 3:03 am

Bob Uecker, Voice of the Milwaukee Brewers, Has Died

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I woke up today to the news that my childhood hero Bob Uecker, long-time voice of the Milwaukee Brewers, has died. He was 90.

While that’s a good, long life, Uecker was what I’d call an “American original.” He was a great broadcaster, yes, but also was an actor, a comedian, wrote two books (including Catcher in the Wry), a philanthropist, and was one of the more unforgettable people I’d ever watched, read about, or listened to during the course of my lifetime.

When I was very young, I listened to Uecker on the radio broadcasts with Merle Harmon. (Yes, that goes back a ways, doesn’t it?) Harmon was the play-by-play guy back then, while Uecker was the color man. At one point, Harmon felt Uecker was ready to start doing innings by himself, so the story Uecker often told was that Harmon simply didn’t show up one half-inning. Uecker had to do the game by himself. Harmon eventually did come back and finish the game, and they had a few more good years as radio partners before other announcers came in.

By that point, Uecker was the top dog. Everyone he mentored, whether it was Pat Hughes, Corey Provus, or current announcers Jeff Levering, Lane Grindle, and Josh Mauer, later became far better broadcasters with what assuredly seemed like more knowledge of the world around them.

There have been many tributes already, from former MLB commissioner Bud Selig; former Brewers players Brent Suter (now a pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds) and Ryan Braun; current announcers Grindle and Levering; current players Brandon Woodruff and Christian Yelich; current manager Pat Murphy; and finally, former manager Craig Counsell. Other announcers, both on TV and radio, have chimed in, along with some of the actors Uecker used to work with (Tracy Tofte worked with Uecker on the sitcom “Mr. Belvedere,” and visited Ueck three weeks ago). Fans went out to American Family Field (formerly known as Miller Park) and left cans of Miller Lite at the base of Ueck’s statue outside the stadium in memory of Ueck’s famous commercials for Miller Lite years ago. (They also left flowers, memories, and at least one Brewers baseball cap.)

All I can tell you is, Uecker was the announcer for the Brewers when I was young, as I grew up, and as I matured into the person I am today. He was funny, articulate, often charming, sometimes scathing, but always, always interesting. He made people laugh, even on the worst days of their lives. He charmed iconic TV host Johnny Carson so much that Carson gave Ueck the nickname “Mr. Baseball,” first ironically, then wholeheartedly. (Carson also had Ueck back over one hundred times on his show, including during the last week Carson hosted.)

I think, though, the reason I liked Uecker so much was because he was from Milwaukee. He didn’t lord it over anyone. He enjoyed people and liked cheering them up. He was frank, unassuming, and down-to-earth, and he absolutely loved his job as Voice of the Brewers.

His playing career wasn’t great; he hit .200, was known more for his defense than his offense, and retired at age thirty-three. He tried scouting but wasn’t great at it. Then he reinvented himself as an announcer, became a very good one, then a great one. Did stand-up comedy, charmed Carson (as previously mentioned), acted in Major League (my favorite baseball film ever) and of course on “Mr. Belvedere.” It seemed like anything Ueck turned his hand to, he succeeded.

But Uecker was human, and sometimes awful things happened to him. He had pancreatic cancer, which he fought, that eventually went into remission. He’d had open-heart surgery. He nearly died from a bite from a brown recluse, too. But worst of all, two of his children predeceased him: one because of San Joaquin Valley Fever, the other because of ALS. He leaves behind a wife, kids, grandchildren, the entirety of “Brewers Nation,” and many others who knew of his life, work, and charitable concerns.

In short, Bob Uecker was almost like a family member in a way, even though he didn’t know me from Eve. He was the best-known exponent of Wisconsin in general and Milwaukee in particular, showcasing the charm and humor and razor-sharp intelligence most of us who live here wish we had.

Ueck was the “Voice of Summer” to many — not just me — and he’ll be greatly missed.

Fighting Walking Pneumonia…and My Thoughts on Sports Stuff

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I’ve been in and out of the doctor’s office the last three months. I was initially diagnosed with bronchitis, then I was diagnosed with bronchitis with a sinus infection/asthma exacerbation, and now I’ve been diagnosed with walking pneumonia. Antibiotics have been prescribed.

The weather is gray, we’re anticipating snow (again), and I’ve been feeling down due to being sick for so long. (If anyone’s fought any illnesses for months, they know what I’m talking about.) Optimism is at a premium, while a whole lot of things have had to slide as I have done battle to breathe, stay alive, and do whatever I can to help my friends and clients (much less my own family).

Now, I have had a few bright spots to point out, though they mostly have to do with sports. The Milwaukee Brewers won the team Gold Glove Award for best overall defense in the National League. They also had two players win individual Gold Gloves, those being second baseman Brice Turang and right fielder Sal Frelick. (A third, center fielder Blake Perkins, was a finalist but did not win. Perkins is an extraordinarily gifted defensive outfielder, nearly as good as Lorenzo Cain and Mike Cameron, among others, and a Gold Glove seems like it’s only a matter of time for Perkins.) In fact, Turang won another award, the Platinum Glove, for being the best overall defender in the National League.

These were bright spots, along with manager Pat Murphy winning Manager of the Year and General Manager Matt Arnold winning Executive of the Year. This shows how much the Brewers team effort mattered. While they didn’t go far in the playoffs yet again, the future seems bright as the team is young and the team is hungry.

Of course, we Brewers fans have to take the good with the bad, and the bad is that All-Star closer Devin Williams was traded to the New York Yankees for a pitcher, Nestor Cortes, and a utility infielder, Caleb Durbin (considered more of a prospect), along with a reported $2M in cash. While the Brewers have several excellent relievers, none of them was as polished or as steady as Williams in my humble opinion. Williams also did many wonderful things in the Milwaukee area for charity and to promote youth baseball efforts, and while one can hope Nestor Cortes will do some of the same while in Milwaukee, that’s unknown at this time. (It also won’t have the benefit of being from a guy who spent five years in Milwaukee and knew the ins and outs of the entire community, much less the most urgent needs.)

Anyway, in addition, the Milwaukee Bucks have been playing very well lately after a horrible 2-8 start. (They had several close games in that start; they weren’t all blowouts by any means. But it still wasn’t good.) They’re now 14-9, I think, and just won the NBA Emirates Cup tournament, held in Las Vegas a few days ago. They decisively beat the Oklahoma City Thunder, one of the best defensive teams in the NBA, partly because the Bucks’ defense was outstanding and partly because the Thunder couldn’t hit much in the way of three-point shots to save their lives.

I’ve been most pleased with Damian Lillard’s performance this season, though as per usual Giannis Antetokounmpo is getting nearly all the glory. (For good reasons, mind you. Giannis is an outstanding player and may be the NBA’s best.) As I read recently in, I think, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, Lillard has done something very few superstars have done and taken on a role, in his prime, to aid another superstar in Giannis in order to help the team win.

Let that soak in a bit.

Lillard is considered one of the top 75 players to ever play in the NBA, right along with Giannis. He is a brilliant scorer, he is an excellent assist-man when asked to do that, and he’s shown some gritty defense that’s been absolutely unexpected from a guy previously considered to be all-offense, all the time.

What Lillard has done reminds me of another Milwaukee Buck of many years ago, that being Oscar Robertson. Robertson was acquired in a trade from the then-Cincinnati Royals (later they became the Sacramento Kings, I think) in 1970, and without him, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and the other luminaries on the 1970-1971 Bucks would have not been able to win the NBA championship. Robertson always had dished out assists, mind you, and he was never thought of as “offense only” as Lillard was for so many years (unfairly, to my mind, in Lillard’s part). But he moderated his scoring somewhat in order to win an NBA Championship with the Milwaukee Bucks, and he was the second option, behind Jabbar, in the same way that Lillard is the second option behind Giannis.

I think it takes an extra-special mindset to do something like that. I really do. It’s hard to change your game, the one you’ve played all these years to so much success, in order to sublimate your ego for the team’s. Robertson had that mindset, and so does Lillard.

My father was a huge fan of the Bucks, as I believe I have said before, and he told me a lot about Oscar Robertson as I grew up. (I was too young to see Robertson play in his prime.) I think Dad would get a kick out of the fact that Lillard seems to be doing similar things that Robertson did back in the early 1970s, and he’d be happy that Lillard’s playing solid defense as well as dishing out assists along with scoring whenever he’s needed. (He’s averaging 25.7 points a game, 7.5 assists per game, and 4.5 rebounds a game, all excellent numbers by any standards, especially considering he’s thirty-four years old. That’s on the older side for an NBA player, and it’s older than Robertson was when Robertson decided to moderate his game after being traded to the Bucks as Robertson was thirty-two.)

Of course, Robertson and Lillard have both had the benefit of superior coaching, excellent teammates, and their own seemingly limitless energy, effort, and, to put it bluntly, brains. It takes all of that to sublimate yourself to the betterment of the team, and it’s incredibly hard to do. I applaud Lillard for doing it, as I believe he will indeed benefit from it in the long run.

Anyway, that’s it for now…I’m trying to heal up, so I can write, edit, comment, etc., more often.

I wish everyone who has read this far a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, a warm Winter Solstice, Merry Yuletide, and a fine celebration of life with your loved ones at this particular time of year. May the season bring you joy, peace, and magic…at least the human-type of magic a smile and honest caring brings.

Illness, Thanksgiving, and Observing My Late Father’s Birthday

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My father was born around Thanksgiving, and even before I knew how to understand things like months, days, and years, I knew as early as three years old that if Thanksgiving was coming, Dad’s birthday would be soon.

Of course, Dad died last year about a month shy of his 87th birthday. Had he lived this long, he’d have turned 88.

There are so many things that have happened in the past year that would’ve pleased him. There were other things that would really have upset him, including the national uptick of bad behavior, rudeness, and obnoxiousness. In some quarters, it now seems perfectly acceptable to treat others with disdain, disrespect, and, quite frankly, dishonor.

Dad was a proud veteran of the United States Navy, and watching the country devolve into chaos would not have been his thing. The pandemic was more than bad enough as it brought out the worst in a whole lot of people that seemingly hasn’t gone away since.

Mind you, there are still many wonderful people out there. I think the majority of people in the United States, as well as around the world, are good, caring, decent, honorable, and kind-hearted people who want only to live and let live. We hear about the others because they are aberrations. But there seem to be more and more of them, and you see this sort of bad behavior everywhere nowadays. On the highways, with road-rage incidents and people shooting at each other. In the grocery store, where I’ve seen several fights break out over the years — more in the last few by far. Really, anywhere a person can congregate with another, including churches, mosques, or other buildings meant for faithful people to enjoy their religion/religious beliefs and others in their congregation, can hold a mass shooter.

Other countries do not put up with this, but the US does. I don’t know why. I’ve written about it many times over the years, and I’ll probably write about it even more when the next unthinkable incident happens.

It’s because of knowing this, along with observing my father’s birthday soon and then Thanksgiving later this week, that I have a hard time finding the blessings there still are.

But there are blessings. As I said, there are good people out there. The scenery can be beautiful. I’m fortunate that I live near Lake Michigan — it’s only a few short miles away — and I can gaze out at it any time of the year and gain some peace from that. Books have always been my salvation, too. Plus, I ponder a lot of moral conundrums, as it’s been my lot in life to be a spiritual seeker rather than a follower of any one religion. (I consider myself a NeoPagan, which most of you reading probably already know. But I read the Bible often for its beauty and elegance and feel it holds a lot of truth within it. I’ve also read translations of the Koran and some of the Bhavagad Gita, though not much of the latter stuck.) I consider Buddhism, as it was my late husband Michael’s practice, and try to let whatever part I can absorb infuse my soul with meaning and purpose. (That sounds odd, doesn’t it? Best I can do right now, though.) I have enjoyed reading about the Stoics and their movement of Stoicism, which isn’t exactly what we Americans think it was…yes, they believed in what one Star Trek writer called “mastery of the unavoidable,” but they didn’t believe you shouldn’t feel. They actually believed more along the lines of “don’t let the bad things throw you, as we all have bad things happen in our lives. What can we gain from life besides the bad things?”

Thanksgiving is a time to honor family, friends, and loved ones, past or present. I do plan to see my family, despite the fact I’m quite ill right now and have been for weeks.

(Some of you may be thinking, “Barb, what took you so long to talk about the illness you’re enduring?” I’m getting to that.)

About two weeks ago, I’d called my doctor’s office about my asthma, the fact my throat was sore, and that my allergies were acting up. I was seen, and told that it was most likely viral bronchitis. If I was still sick in a week, I should go back and be seen or walk into urgent care if it was a weekend.

So, yesterday, as I was still quite ill, I walked into urgent care. I was told I had an acute asthma exacerbation — thus the bronchospasms and bronchitis — along with a particularly wicked sinus infection that was spreading to my ears. I had so much fatigue that walking from my car to the house required several stops to rest, and that’s all wrong. I was very frightened by all of this, which I’ll admit here…I also didn’t want to eat anything, though I was still trying to eat, as my throat hurt so bad I could barely swallow.

I was using all my tricks to amp up my appetite, including drinking diet soda before and during meals. (For some reason, diet soda raises my appetite. I guess I’m not the only one this happens to, but I don’t know how frequently it happens to others.) During meals, I often drink diet soda or some other carbonated beverage in order to be able to swallow the food. (Two endoscopies have been performed in the last ten years to find out why this is and no one has any idea.) Plus, I knew that without food, I’d have no energy with which to heal myself.

Because I’ve got so many friends and family on the Other Side now, and fewer remain on this side, I thought a lot about why I continued to fight to stay on this plane of existence. Yes, I feel I have unfinished business. Yes, there’s editing to do. Yes, I’ve got I don’t know how many books in me to finish plus at least seven stories at work either singly or in collaboration with my friend Gail Sanders. Yes, my family needs me, and yes, I hope someday that I’ll find some nice man that can tolerate me (better yet, light up at the sight of me and enjoy all our interactions, but first things first) and that I can tolerate in return (again, I want a lot more than tolerance, but I tell myself, “Patience, grasshopper” in my best Kwai Chang Kane voice).

Still. My chest hurt so bad it was like a vise was around it. I couldn’t get a good breath. My cough was unproductive in the extreme, though intermittent. And until yesterday, I had been told it was viral and that I couldn’t do anything about it other than put up with it and hope it went away.

I’m fortunate that I still have medical insurance, though I wonder for how much longer. That said, I had it now, and I was able to get the medication I needed at a lower price than I’d have paid on my own after I was diagnosed with acute asthma exacerbation driving the bronchitis and a wicked sinus infection driving everything else.

Just knowing what’s wrong helps. Being able to take some medicine (in this case, antibiotics and steroids) that I know will work has improved my attitude overall, to the point I can at least come to my blog and write/talk about it.

I’m glad that the US still believes in helping those in need, those who are not as fortunate as others (I, a disabled, long-time and still youthful widow, count in that category). But the uptick in bad behavior has me concerned. If we as a country go all in for “I’ve got mine, to Hell with you!” we are doomed.

I think most of us want the US to be a strong and safe country with leaders that make sense and try to do the people’s bidding rather than go off on tangents and only fix their own, personal hobbyhorses. I also hope and pray that people in the US, as well as around the world, will know that putting someone else down does not make you rise up. It instead lowers you to your enemy’s level.

This has been a long blog. But it all weighs on me. Dad’s impending birthday, that I’ll probably celebrate out at the cemetery where he’s buried. Thanksgiving, where half the country seems to hate the other half. This illness, which came too close to me just saying, “OK, if my time’s up, it’s up.” (When you can’t breathe well, you can’t think, you don’t really have much in the way of energy as I said before, and trying to find positives seems like a Herculean effort.)

I hope those of you who are ill right now, in body, mind, or spirit will know that you are worth it whether anyone else knows it or not. I also hope that this Thanksgiving will be one of reconciliation and kindness. Somehow.

If you want to light a candle, though, please do it. Pray for peace, especially in the Middle East and the Ukraine. Pray for wisdom among our elected leaders. Pray for strength for ourselves, and healing, too. Pray for the downtrodden, those marginalized by bad circumstances, by faults not their own, and pray their situations get better. (Here I’m thinking about the Sudan, much of the problems Middle Eastern women have, and other such things along with the prosaic.)

If you want to add to your prayers, say a prayer for my father, who I hope is in Heaven/the positive afterlife of his choice now. Or you could even say one for me, and I can’t stop you…(I know it’s a weak joke, but that’s all I’ve got right now).

Please have the best Thanksgiving holiday you can, though. Try to find the good in your relatives, even if they are difficult and insist on only the choicest cuts of turkey and hog all the dressing to themselves. (You can always wait until they get up to use the bathroom and grab the rest of the dressing if they refuse to give it up, you know.)

Find meaning and purpose however you can. Remember, don’t spread vitriol, and do be kind to others.

That’s what I want this week. That’s what I want always.

Musing on Life’s Purpose

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There’s a lot of angst right now, partly due to election season and partly because of other factors. But we all need to realize this: We have a purpose in this life even if we don’t know what it is.

If we can do one good thing for someone else, just one, that can move mountains in time. It doesn’t seem like it. It’s maybe an incremental change, rather than a sweeping one…but doing something good for someone else just because is one of the best virtues I know.

The way I define success is, “Did you make any positive difference for anyone?” And, honestly, I think most of us do. We’re not perfect by any means, but most of us try to be good to others, at least some of the time — or to help someone we don’t know, because it’s needed in that moment.

I’ve run into a lot of different things in my life that have changed the course of it significantly. Some were very good, such as meeting and marrying Michael, my late husband. Some were not good. Some were just plain bad, in fact. But when you look back on your life, you can sometimes find small moments that made a huge difference.

My small moment was this: I had been divorced, I’d just gotten out of a relationship that hadn’t gone the way I’d hoped, and then I met Michael. I had a choice: could I open my heart to him, despite how badly I’d been hurt? Or was I going to just drown in the sorrow of it all?

I chose the risk. I opened my heart.

As difficult as it has been to be without Michael all these years since his passing, it would’ve been far, far worse for me to have stayed closed and to have kept Michael at arm’s length. I’d have missed out on great love, happiness, true understanding…the two of us wanted to be around each other, wanted to make each other’s lives better. We could talk about anything for hours. We could sometimes even sit in silence, holding hands, looking at one another, and be perfectly content.

I was right to choose the risk. But no one would’ve blamed me (except myself, of course) had I said, “I have had enough of men, thank you!” and not done so.

The main reason I fight so hard to make any sort of positive difference I can in this life is that I believe Michael being in my life at all was a miracle. I know that has to sound very odd, maybe even a bit woo-woo/out there. But it’s what I believe.

So, if I had turned my face to the wall (metaphorically speaking) years ago, and not opened my heart, I’d have missed out on that miracle. I am glad I didn’t miss out.

For those of you who are hurting for various reasons, I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Good human beings care about one another and try to help when they can. (I know I’ve been overloaded lately, as I said in my last blog. But I still try to do something, anything, that’s positive, even if it’s just wishing the cashier at the market a good day and telling them they did a great job.) Good human beings notice when you’re making your best effort, and that does matter.

It may seem like it doesn’t. But don’t believe that.

Believe that you are worthy. Worthy of love, worthy of friendship, worthy of understanding, care, and concern.

Don’t let anyone, ever, grind you down into nothing. You are worth more than that.