Divorce Can Be Beneficial
For the past several days, I’ve been pondering one question given to me by a new friend — someone I’ve known for less than a week. That said, this person is remarkably perceptive, and she asked me this penetrating question:
“Can divorce, contrary to popular opinion, actually be beneficial?”
Here is my answer:
“Why, yes. Yes it can.”
“But Barb,” I can almost hear you protest. “Divorce is painful. Why would I ever want to go through that, and why do you say it can be beneficial?”
My answers:
“Yes, divorce is painful. But if you and your spouse do not understand each other, have grown apart, or worst of all, he’s brought another child into this world outside of your marriage (which my second unlamented ex-husband did), you need to be gone. It’s not good for you to stay. And if you have children, your children will see all your pain, all your anger, all your dysfunction, and start to model it for themselves in their own relationships…something you truly don’t want.”
In other words, divorce in some ways is like a rebirth. It’s hard. It is not for the timid, no. But it allows you to restart your life, reassess who you are and where you’re going, and get yourself back on track if nothing else.
(Again, if you have kids, be sure to be civil to one another. For example, I understood that my parents were divorcing; I would not have understood them bad-mouthing each other. Thankfully, I do not remember either of them doing that, which in retrospect was a huge blessing.)
Mind, in case you’re sitting there thinking, “Your divorce must’ve been the easiest on record,” my answer is, “Um…no.”
My divorce was brutal. I remember eating baby food, because nothing else would stay down. I saw my soon-to-be-ex-husband parading around town with the woman who became his second wife, and I could do nothing but swallow helpless rage. (It took me some time to realize that I was enraged, mind, because at first I was so saddened by all of this, and wondered how it could have ever come to pass.) I played in a group with my soon-to-be-ex-husband and his new girlfriend, the woman who became his second wife, and it sometimes was agonizing…yet I refused to give up the comfort of music, as I knew I needed it to help me somehow get past the pain.
I did not enjoy going through the divorce process at all. But eventually there was light at the end of the tunnel…and it wasn’t an oncoming train.
In other words, I found Michael (or, as he would no doubt want to have it, he found me). And finding him, being with him, being married to him, was worth every other pain in my life, past and present. He understood me, he was creative and funny and helped me be my best self, and I did my best to give him all the support, encouragement, laughter and love that I could, too.
Because that is what love is.
So, if you are divorcing right now, try to avoid giving in to despair. Divorce gives you the opportunity to find someone who is truly right for the you-who-is right now, rather than continuing to fight the same old battles in the same old ways.
In other words, do not see yourself as a failure if you must proceed with a divorce.
Instead, see yourself as a survivor. Someone who will do what’s necessary, so you can have the chance to meet the person who truly is right for you down the road…just as I met Michael.
——————
**Edited to add: I am not ashamed to say I was twice-divorced before I finally found Michael, my late husband. I just didn’t want to bog down the narrative, which I would’ve, so I didn’t discuss my second ex hardly at all. Seems appropriate. (I know who mattered to me in this life, and my ex-husbands did not, except as shining examples of what not to do.)
Take Advantage of the TTB #99cents sale…
Folks, right now, Twilight Times Books has a ninety-nine cents sale going on. Books included in this sale are my own AN ELFY ON THE LOOSE, Jason Cordova’s CORRUPTOR, Chris Nuttall’s SCHOOLED IN MAGIC, Loren Jones’ STORIES OF THE CONFEDERATED STAR SYSTEMS, and much, much more.
If you ever want to see what’s going on with Twilight Times Books, here’s a link to the Amazon page: http://amzn.to/eYYy6s Once you get to this page, click the box that says, “Price low to high,” and you’ll see all sorts of great books available for only ninety-nine cents.
Because this is my page, though, I’m going to tell you a little more about my own offering that’s on sale right now, AN ELFY ON THE LOOSE. This is the first half of the Elfy duology (the second half being A LITTLE ELFY IN BIG TROUBLE, available right now for $2.99). Bruno the Elfy is taken out of his own culture and place, the Elfy Realm, and is brought to our Earth. He doesn’t entirely know why he’s here. He doesn’t know why a strange family from Northern California has kidnapped him. But he does know that the young daughter of that family, Sarah, intrigues him. Both are treated horribly, and both decide they’re going to leave…contacting Bruno’s mentor, Roberto the Wise, they attempt to get out of there, with Roberto ending up trapped in Bruno’s place instead. As Bruno and Sarah attempt to gather allies, they find out more about each other than they’d ever believed possible…and that much of what they thought they knew about themselves was flat wrong.
I’m proud of writing AN ELFY ON THE LOOSE, and I hope you will enjoy reading it. As it’s on sale right now, there’s no better time to dip your toe into the water of the Elfyverse than right now…and since the second half of the Elfy duology, A LITTLE ELFY IN BIG TROUBLE, is only $2.99, you can have a great, multi-day reading experience for less than the price of a tall latte at Starbucks.
What more could you possibly want?
(Oh, yes…and there’s a lot of humor here. Which might help divert you, and can’t we all use a diversion right now?)
“The Dragon Variation” and “Mouse and Dragon” — Two More Excellent Books by Lee and Miller.
This is one of my all-time favorite reviews over at SBR. I just re-read Sharon Lee and Steve Miller’s MOUSE AND DRAGON last night, in fact, as I’d needed to be reminded how much love truly matters in this world…and I still believe it to be an outstanding achievement and possibly the very best writing of their career. (As I grab everything they write and often buy multiple copies in various formats, that is high praise indeed.)
Please view this review, and remember that SBR is still open for business despite my long layoff in reviewing (and Jason’s long layoff in reviewing also). I shall be reviewing something later this week…possibly Lee and Miller’s DRAGON IN EXILE, as well as Marina Fontaine’s interesting post-apocalyptic debut novel CHASING FREEDOM.
#PrayforOrlando — My Thoughts
Folks, it has taken me over a day to codify my thoughts, because I’m so enraged by what happened in Orlando, Florida last evening.
For those of you who don’t yet know, there was a horrific mass shooting at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, Florida during the wee hours of Sunday, June 12, 2016. So far, fifty people are confirmed dead, and there are fifty-three known to be wounded…but the death toll could still go up. Because the gunman — someone I shall refuse to name as I believe he forfeited his right to a name the moment he opened fire — was anti-gay and supposedly pledged allegiance to ISIS on a 911 call, and because Pulse was friendly to the LGBT community, this act was not only a hate crime, bad as that is.
No. It was even worse.
It was an act of domestic terrorism.
My heart is aching, as I write these words. I do not understand how anyone could do this, for any reason. I do not appreciate the fact that someone so hateful was an American citizen, and most of all I do not like it that I have no outlet whatsoever for my rage other than to post this flag — a gay pride rainbow flag at half-staff — in this post as a symbol of my solidarity with the LGBT community:
I wish I could do much more than this, because I am enraged.
Enraged that this horrific, senseless act could happen in the United States.
Enraged that someone so twisted had been able to qualify as a security guard, for pity’s sake. Because the shooter was a security guard, he had weapons, and he used them brutally and callously to take life for no reason whatsoever except his own, obnoxious self-aggrandizement.
Enraged that my LGBT friends, gentle souls, all, now have to worry that they could be next, victims of copycats eager to get their repellent names and mugshots on television…because as usual, the media splashed the name and picture of the domestic terrorist in as many nooks and crannies as they could, as this is standard operating procedure.
Enraged that there isn’t more focus on the innocent and tragic victims who died or were wounded at the Pulse nightclub than there is on the excrescence that was the allegedly human being who decided that he knew better than God/dess as to who should live, who should die, and who should be irrevocably wounded, body and soul, for the rest of their days by this abhorrent attack.
Enraged that once again, on American soil, we’ve had a mass shooting.
Enraged that once again, our politicians will do nothing.
Enraged that once again, our hearts are broken, and no one seems to care about mending them.
So, because of that, because of all that, I urge everyone to think good thoughts, send positive energy, and/or pray for the people of Orlando right now. Somehow, some way, help love to win — the love of our fellow men and women of all genders, sexual preferences, colors, creeds, and religions. Somehow, some way, remember those bright souls who died, and help those who survived the massacre to heal as much as they possibly can…
In other words, make love stronger than hate. Please.
And give extra care to your friends and neighbors right now, most particularly to those in the LGBT community. They need to know their friends are with them, and that we will never forget this horrible day for as long as we live…much less that we will work for better days and brighter futures for us all.
That’s all I know how to say right now.
———
Edited to add: One of my Facebook acquaintances just pointed out that when he turned on CNN yesterday afternoon, they said, “We will only name the shooter once this hour.” After they named him, they took down his picture and said something to the effect of, “Now, let’s concentrate on the much more important people — the victims.”
Thank you, CNN! (Now can everyone else in the media get behind this idea? I was once a student journalist, and I know the people I worked with all felt the same way as I did. But standard operating procedure is to name the gunman over and over, it seems…we must change this, and start doing what CNN did yesterday.)
A Sunday Thought…and a Thought
Folks, when I woke up earlier today, I thought hard about life. About what my place in the world is (nay, bigger than that — the entire universe!), and whether or not what I’m doing is my best course of action.
Then I snorted, sat up, and started laughing in near-hysteria.
I’m a writer. An editor. A musician. A scholar of arcane disciplines, and a student of history. Also a daughter, a friend, a colleague…
And, of course, the widow of Michael B. Caffrey.
This last is my most precious joy, not because of the widow part — far, far from it! — but because Michael was the most amazing person I have ever had the privilege to behold. He was funny, smart, self-educated, gifted at many things, and a person of remarkable wit and consequence. Michael mattered so very much; what had formed him, what had shaped him, into the man I feel in my heart was firmly destined to be my husband and other half of my soul interested me greatly.
Because we didn’t have that much time together, there are some things I will never know from his perspective. (I have picked up on some additional things since his untimely passing from his sister, his nieces, a few of his friends, and his ex-wife, who was possibly his very best friend in all the world besides myself.) But one thing I do know…Michael was special, and important, and being with him was worth every last bit of pain I’ve suffered since his untimely passing.
Much less the pain I endured before I ever met him, as I’d been previously — and quite unhappily — married before I had the privilege to meet him.
I mention all of that because it’s important to me. Important enough that I’m willing to put it out there, for all to see, in a format that will last as long as the Internet does…and perhaps longer.
But perhaps that seems obvious to you. If you’ve been here before, you know this about me by now; I have suffered, but I have learned, and I have been deeply loved. These things cannot help but mark a person. And in this case, I hope they have made me a better person.
That said, I can’t help but reflect on how life, all in all, marks us. We are all the sum total of our experiences. If we are wise, and learn from our mistakes — and celebrate our joys, no matter how brief and evanescent they may be — we may become our best selves, and worthy of the highest love our species can bestow.
This Sunday, I want you to consider your own highest gifts and blessings. From where did they spring? What are you doing with them, now, and what will you do with them in the future?
Now, as for the additional thought…this was my original post on the subject at Facebook, a few short minutes ago (if you want to read my public posts at Facebook, go here):
One of my best friends just pointed out that everything in life, good and bad, is a learning experience. As a writer, I tend to observe much, even when I don’t seem to be taking it in…the hope is that it gives my stories more weight, as I can’t help but do it anyway.
That said, as I’m in the month of June — my wedding anniversary rapidly approaches, the 14th (and 12th without my beloved husband by my side), I marvel at the changes life has brought. Some have been horrible. Some have been remarkably good.
But to get to Michael, to be with him, to hear him laugh and to create works with him was my most precious joy. I’d not change any of that for the world.
Thus are today’s Sunday thoughts.
Any questions?
Why Can’t Female Reporters Make — and Correct — Bad Mistakes?
Folks, I’m frustrated right now. I just read the story of former major league baseball sideline reporter Emily Austen (see link here from the story at AOL: http://www.aol.com/article/2016/06/10/mlb-sideline-reporter-fired-after-making-several-inappropriate-c/21393140/), who said a number of derogatory things during a social media video. This video was made on the Barstool Sports Live Facebook broadcast, and while I don’t like any of the things Ms. Austen said, none of them were so abhorrent to my mind as warranting her immediate dismissal from her sideline duties without at least giving her a chance to rectify her error.
Here’s a bit from the Business Insider story (carried at AOL at the address above):
During the broadcast, Austen made several racist and anti-Semitic comments. At one point, she said she “didn’t even know Mexicans were that smart,” then later said that everyone knows the “Chinese guy is always the smartest guy in math class.” While recalling stories from when she worked as a bartender, she called Jewish people “stingy.” She also referred to Kevin Love as a “little b—-.”
Edited to add:
I haven’t a clue why any sportscaster, male or female, worth her salt wouldn’t realize that when the camera is on, she has to watch what she says. With a beer, without a beer, she should be professional.
Much of what she said is insensitive at best, outright racist at worst. (Saying that she “didn’t even know that Mexicans were that smart” is ludicrous. Doesn’t she know any history at all?)
I don’t approve of this behavior. At all. But I also don’t understand why a male sportscaster like Curt Schilling, formerly of ESPN, was given chance after chance to rectify his own public off-the-job comments before he finally was booted out.
Now back to our regularly scheduled post, already in progress…
I am not a fan of this sort of behavior, folks. But I also don’t think it’s something that warrants an immediate dismissal.
Consider, please, that Ms. Austen was probably having a beer. She was off-duty, discussing her job as a sideline reporter for both the Tampa Bay Rays (MLB) and for the Orlando Magic (NBA), and was probably trying to make “good copy” for the folks on Barstool Sports. Male sports personalities push the envelope all the time, and only get suspensions, at best…yet Ms. Austen got the axe right away, without any possibility of coming back to say, “I know I went too far. I’m sorry.”
Note that to my mind, especially out of context, I don’t have a problem with her saying these obnoxious things as much as I have a problem with her being immediately booted from her job without any possibility of correcting the obnoxious things she said.
I’d only fire Ms. Austen if she refused to try to correct any of this. (What she said about the Asian guy in math class, while not necessarily a bad thing, is still a stereotype. My Japanese-American friend would be happy to tell you all about how much effort she put into her studies; she loved school, and still enjoys learning things, but effortless, it was not. And math was not her best subject, either.**)
This, to my mind, smells more like political correctness than a sensible personnel decision. If Ms. Austen was good at her work — and I’m going to assume she was, or Barstool Sports wouldn’t have wanted to have her as part of their Facebook Live broadcast after hours — she should’ve been talked with, and she should’ve been allowed to make amends. Giving her a chance to grow, to change, to learn that people are individuals and not stereotypes…that is a far better way to handle the situation than just firing her.
This way, what does Ms. Austen learn? That male sports personalities can be outrageous, but female sports personalities had best watch their backs?
In short, while what Ms. Austen said was not flattering, it did not warrant immediate dismissal.
Fox Sports Florida (and Fox Sports Sun, who together were her employers) should be ashamed of themselves. They at minimum should be called before the EEOC, and be prepared to defend their actions.
And in the meantime, Ms. Austen should do some volunteer work with the poor, the disabled, and those who are otherwise disenfranchised in this society. She’d learn a lot, I think…and never again would she be tempted to make such ridiculously stupid and bigoted statements as she did on Barstool Sports’ live broadcast on Facebook.
——–
**Yes, I know that Chinese people and Japanese people and Korean people and Laotian people and Vietnamese people are all different people, different cultures, different ethnicities, and all have to be taken for themselves. But the stereotype I’m referring to — that Asians are better at math than anyone else — is still real, and it’s done a lot of harm. (End rant.)
Writing: When Done Well, it Only Seems Effortless…
Folks, haven’t you ever wondered just how much work goes into your favorite books?
I’ve been pondering this lately, and here’s my best answer: a whole lot of effort goes into what later seems to be effortless prose…in other words, a writer works hard for what seems effortless, in the end.
We writers often castigate ourselves because our writing isn’t coming easily enough, or quickly enough, or (fill-in-the-blank) enough. Yet, later on, when you re-read your efforts, you barely remember, “Oh, didn’t I have the flu then?” or “My goodness, how did I write that while under so much stress?”
Of course, some writers use their writing as a way to GAFIAte — that is, get away from it all. To those writers, anything they do with their stories is like a mini-vacation; it’s still work, mind you, but it’s work done with a will and a smile on their faces.
For the rest of us (including yours truly), that type of writing — the GAFIAting I just discussed — is elusive, at best. Most of the time, writing takes planning; hard work; effort. It still gives you, the writer, a feeling of satisfaction in the end…but it doesn’t feel like a mini-vacation at all.
Nope.
Instead, it feels like the hard work that it is. Worthwhile work, granted. Work we’ve chosen to do in this life…work that we see, so we must do it, and tell the stories we have inside to their best advantage, in the hope that someone else will find some worth in it, or maybe get a chuckle out of it and get through their day a little better, or perhaps even come back to your words time after time and find renewed meaning and purpose if we’ve done our jobs particularly well.
Those who aren’t writers may not understand how much work and effort there is in what you do. (I can’t speak for them, so I don’t know.) But one thing is clear: those of us who are writers know full well how much goes into our stories. How much of ourselves, and our drive, and our will, and our care, and everything that we are — our souls, maybe, for all I know — are reflected in our books, if we’ve done them just right.
So. For today, writers, try to do this one thing — just write. Don’t expect it to be effortless, ’cause that is beyond absurd. But do expect it to be from your heart, from your spirit, from your soul, even if you’re fighting with verb tenses and spelling and your story doesn’t seem to make much sense.
Because down the line, what you’re doing will be worth it. Trust me.
Springtime in the Elfyverse
Today’s guest blog is up at the Opinionated Man’s busy establishment…take a look!
Thoughts on Comfort Books
Folks, over the past several weeks, I have been struggling with a wide variety of things.
To wit…does my writing matter? Does what I’m doing as a person matter? Are my perceptions accurate, and will I be able to turn them into some decent-to-better quality writing in the not-so-distant future?
I don’t know if these questions would’ve hit me quite so profoundly without the ongoing housing crisis, mind. (That remains unresolved, by the way. I probably will be writing about that again…but not today, yes?) But they have…and in a big way.
That said, I have found a lot of comfort reading and re-reading my favorite books and authors. Some of the books I’ve read over the past couple of weeks include Katharine Eliska Kimbriel’s Night Calls series, Lois McMaster Bujold’s THE CURSE OF CHALION and PALADIN OF SOULS, Patricia C. Wrede’s CAUGHT IN CRYSTAL and Enchanted Forest chronicles…and, of course, my go-to standby, Sharon Lee and Steve Miller’s wonderful Liaden Universe (TM), most particularly the stories featuring Daav yos’Phelium and Aelliana Caylon.
What reading these stories tends to do for me is twofold. One, it takes me away from my immediate problems and reminds me that others, too, have faced adversity (even if fantastical and unusual — then again, I like that sort of thing, as you might’ve guessed). And two, these stories are life-affirming, they often make me laugh, and they always make me feel better after I’ve read them.
In short, these comfort books remind me of why I started writing, oh, yea many moons ago…I wanted to tell stories like that, that made people laugh, and maybe gave them an hour’s ease from life’s burdens…and if I did my job superbly well, maybe someone would find my stories life-affirming, too.
I can’t be certain I’ve done that as of yet. But I’d like to think that in the not-so-distant future, I may well yet attain just that…ah, well.
Anyway, what are your favorite comfort books, and why? I’d love to hear all about it in the comments section.
——–
Edited to add: Mind, there are so many great storytellers out there, and I’m only naming a fraction of the people I’ve read over the past few weeks that I’ve enjoyed…so if your name isn’t on this list (yet), please don’t despair. (No need for that.)
Introducing…”Kaitlin’s Tale” by Christine Amsden
KAITLIN’S TALE is the latest urban fantasy novel by award-winning author Christine Amsden. It features Kaitlin, a strong-willed heroine with a self-deprecating sense of humor…just my type of woman! She’s a young mother who’s made some bad choices, and now is on the run from some vampires — including her baby’s father, Jason. She meets up with a powerful, telepathic magician, Matthew Blair…and sparks fly in every possible sense.
Can these two basically good, but deeply flawed people find a way to make common cause against the vampires? And will they ever realize that they were made for each other?
KAITLIN’S TALE has my highest possible recommendation, folks…I edited it, and I know it’s an excellent novel that made me tear up in spots. Kaitlin is definitely one heroine who deserves her happy ending, most especially because she doesn’t seem to realize exactly that. And her son, Jay, is one cute little guy, too…all the way around, I loved KAITLIN’S TALE, and I hope you will give it — and Christine Amsden’s work as a whole — a try. (Read the first three chapters for free, here.)
Now, on to what Christine wanted to say about why she wrote Kaitlin’s story!
Christine Amsden says:
Who is Kaitlin?
I love Kaitlin. As I wrote the book, I sometimes thought to myself that I loved her more from the outside! She’s nothing like me. My inspiration for Kaitlin came from an experience I had as a sophomore in high school, shortly after one of those school-wide assemblies about sex and sexual abuse. They told me that one in three people had been sexually abused. I couldn’t believe it! One in three? I looked at the two friends I’d come with, wondering which one of them it had been since it wasn’t me (thankfully). To my surprise, I got the answer as we were leaving. She told me and she made me swear I wouldn’t tell a soul.
I didn’t, and it is the single biggest regret of my life. At the time I mistakenly believed that a real friend would keep a confidence. My only excuse is that I was fifteen and had precious few friends. Now I know that a true friend would have risked the friendship to do the right thing and get her friend help.
Over twenty years later, I give you Kaitlin, and I get her help. Not the sort you’re likely to get in real life (telepaths being vanishingly rare), but I wrote it for my friend, who I haven’t seen since high school, and for anyone else out there who knows what it’s like. Though I cannot truly know your pain, I have imagined it in this book.
If you do know the pain, and if you’ve never faced it, I urge you to seek help because there are no telepaths in real life. But there are people who understand.
Barb Caffrey's Blog 