Posts Tagged ‘frustration’
Musings on September…and Mortality
Folks, it’s no secret that I do not like September.
Why? Well, the main reason is that my husband Michael died during this month. So when the weather turns to fall (or at least the calendar does; in Wisconsin, we’re still in summertime mode for whatever reason), I start having trouble with all sorts of things.
You see, it’s hard to create when you’re fighting against grief. Because grieving takes energy. A surprising amount of it, actually…and even though I try hard to set that all aside, sometimes I just can’t.
Mind, I know my husband Michael would not want it to be this way. He was all about laughter, and joyfulness, and creativity…this isn’t the legacy he’d want, for me to feel terrible during the month of September.
Even so, I feel what I feel. Trying to change that doesn’t do any good.
So what do I do when grief gets to be too much? Usually, I read something amusing or divert myself with sports documentaries. (I’m quite partial to ESPN’s “30 for 30” series.)
Sometimes, though, I just have to experience the mourning. I don’t like doing this, but by accepting these awful feelings, I can better put them aside. (I learned this trick from Michael, who was a Zen Buddhist. He felt it made no sense to deny how you truly feel about anything. But if you accept the feelings, whatever they are, and then tell yourself, “I’ve heard them” or “I’ve felt them,” then it’s a little easier to set it aside. I’m not sure why this works, exactly, but it does.)
What’s frustrating is when I run into someone who says, “Barb, it’s been eleven years. Why in the Hell can’t you get past this?”
I know it’s been nearly eleven years. Yet some days, it feels like yesterday; on others, it feels like forever.
Michael was by far the most important person in my life, and I miss him every day. He saw me for what I was, loved every part of me (even the parts of myself I have a hard time loving), helped me create the Elfyverse, cheered me on while I wrote an earlier draft (or two) of CHANGING FACES…he was my biggest cheerleader, my biggest partisan, and my best friend, along with being the only man I’ve ever met who truly understood me.
Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to “get over” his loss. Because it truly is an incalculable loss, and I am well aware that it is. And I refuse to deny this truth, because if I did, I’d be a much different — and far lesser — person.
Besides, I don’t think you ever “get past” someone you loved deeply. I think all you can do is go on; you don’t “move on,” exactly — you go on, with the memories you have and the experiences you’ve had, and you do your best to build on them.
I know Michael would want me to continue to fight it out with CHANGING FACES, and he’d probably say in the end, no one will be able to tell just where I’ve struggled, and why.
So even though September, in general, is a bad month, I’m going to continue to do my best.
Michael wouldn’t want it any other way.
The Revenge of C.diff — and Other Stuff
Folks, I’ve been dealing with a nasty intestinal illness for the past several weeks. It’s called C.diff, and it came on suddenly after I’d finished a course of antibiotics for a sinus infection.
Because of this, I haven’t blogged, I haven’t written much, and I haven’t been able to do as much editing as I wanted, including the final touches to my novel A LITTLE ELFY IN BIG TROUBLE, the sequel (or continuation) to AN ELFY ON THE LOOSE. (Or, as I put it to myself — and for long-time readers — the second half of ELFY.)
I’ve been put on a very strong medicine to combat this C.diff, and while it seems to be working, it has left me weak and tired.
That said, I will persist…as I said a while back, I may be slowed, but I haven’t stopped.
And I won’t stop.
Admittedly, I am frustrated. I want to be doing so much more than this. (“Outrunning time,” as Lois McMaster Bujold put it in A CIVIL CAMPAIGN.) Being sick for weeks or months on end is certainly not my idea of an endgame, and I hope I will somehow be able to regain my health soon.
That said, I continue to work on my final edit of A LITTLE ELFY IN BIG TROUBLE. I hope to have it to my publisher within a few weeks’ time, and then start work on my final edit of CHANGING FACES. I also hope to finish up a few short stories and attempt the Writers of the Future contest again this quarter if at all possible — though with the quarter end rapidly approaching, that might not be doable.
As for an update with regards to the Joey Maverick series started by my late husband Michael, I remain stalled there also. I am working on a novelette or possibly a novella in that universe, but it’s going extremely slowly — possibly because of how little energy I’ve had to work with due to the present nasty illness, already in progress.
Now, why am I telling you all of this, when I’d rather be discussing anything else? Partly because I believe in being honest. Partly because I think we need to talk more about what troubles us. And partly because I know there are people who follow my life and career — God/dess help them — and have asked me what the status is with regards to my writing and my health.
My weekend plans are to do some editing, both for myself and for a client who’s been patiently waiting, and to see if I can get any writing done. I also plan to finally review Dick Button’s interesting book on figure skating, PUSH DICK’S BUTTON, over at Shiny Book Review later today for Nonfiction Friday. (Edited to add: review is up.)
So I’ll continue to do what I can, and hope that things will pick up from here. (I can’t remember now if the phrase is “We live in hope” or “We live and hope,” but either way, that’s what I’m doing right now.)
And thanks, as always, for coming to my blog. I do appreciate it.
A Frustrating Wednesday Update, Already in Progress…
Folks, you may have noticed that I haven’t blogged at all since last week Monday.
There’s a reason for that. I’ve been ill, first with a nasty sinus infection, and then with a suspected case of food poisoning on top of that.
I hate giving these sorts of updates, mind you. They annoy me. I want to be doing things. I want to be writing, editing, reviewing books, even putting in job applications…but instead, I’ve been having to rest, eat bland food, and rest some more.
Needless to say, I’m not a happy camper.
I’ve managed to do about two hours of editing and zero writing in the past four days (not including reading manuscripts for evaluation, which I agree is work but isn’t nearly as taxing). I’m about to go stir-crazy, because I’d hoped to use this week as a springboard to get back on track with my edit for A LITTLE ELFY IN BIG TROUBLE…and it’s just not happening. (At least, not yet.)
My husband used to tell me that if I rested when I needed to rest, I’d come back stronger. His advice was always good, and I’m trying to take it now. But it’s incredibly difficult because I want to be up and doing, and instead am confined to baby steps.
I’ve been told that the food poisoning (or whatever it is that’s severely irritated my stomach) should be gone by the weekend. I sincerely hope so. As it is, all I can do now is plan to get things done just as soon as I’m physically able to do them.
And that’s not a position I like being in.
Voting and Disappointment
Folks, I’m sorry to say that business as usual will continue in Wisconsin. Scott Walker won re-election, which I have to say I don’t understand…and there were some truly puzzling things going on in other races, too. (How did Douglas LaFollette only get 49% in his Secretary of State race? He should’ve won with 60% of the vote, as he always does.)
But the voters have spoken. Scott Walker remains the Governor of Wisconsin.
(In case you were wondering, I am truly disappointed.)
It’s not so much that Scott Walker has been re-elected that bothers me, though admittedly I wanted him out. It’s that I don’t see anything in Wisconsin that’s likely to improve with him as our Governor.
Definitely, nothing will improve in Racine, where crying economic needs have been unmet for the past ten years or more.
While I was not a fan of Mary Burke, as I felt she was a corporate Democrat who didn’t have any understanding of the middle or lower classes in Wisconsin, if she had been elected, there might’ve been a prayer that something, anything, might improve.
Instead, we’re going to get the same-old, same-old.
And that’s incredibly disappointing.
Because I’m a prognosticator by trade ( at least part of the time), I will point out that I didn’t think Burke was the answer for Wisconsin.
But I don’t think Scott Walker is the answer, either.
That being said, our choices right now are few. We’ll have to hunker down and endure in Racine, again, as I doubt Walker will approve the casino expansion in Kenosha (one of the few things that might create some desperately needed jobs; something Walker has stalled for the last two years or more).
But I will keep my eyes on the one, potential saving grace: the possibility that if Walker does not change, does not at least become willing to do something to promote true economic opportunity in Wisconsin, he can be recalled in 2016.
Wouldn’t that be a blow to his Presidential aspirations?
In Racine Without a Car, 28 Days and Counting…
Folks, some of you are aware that I had surgery a little over three weeks ago. I kept that to myself until the surgery was over, as I didn’t want to worry anyone — besides, as an independent contractor, I couldn’t afford to drive away any potential writing and/or editing jobs.
And some of you are also aware that I have been without a car now for 28 days. My 2010 Hyundai Accent stopped running on September 1, 2014; the cause appears to be a transmission casing which cracked somehow, damage I could not have possibly caused on my own.
These two things have made for a goodly amount of frustration. Walking everywhere in Racine, Wisconsin, is not easy; yes, we have a bus service, but it only runs every half-hour to an hour at best, and is far from the excellent public transit many cities have — including my late husband Michael’s hometown of San Francisco, California.
So when I’ve needed to go somewhere, I’ve had three choices:
- Walk,
- Call for a ride,
- Or do without.
Now, why haven’t I been trying to use the bus system? It’s mostly because I’ve been extremely tired due to my ongoing surgical recovery. The energy I have must be put into whatever work I can do, as again I’m an independent contractor (so if I don’t work, I don’t make any money; if I don’t make any money, I’m in big trouble).
But it’s also partly because I’ve been fighting with Hyundai over who should pay for my car repair. A cracked transmission casing repair costs $2400. I don’t have it. And I’ve been reluctant to set up a Go Fund Me page for a number of reasons . . . partly because I truly felt Hyundai would do the right thing here.
As it stands, though, I haven’t a clue if they will do the right thing or not. It’s now been 28 days since my car’s transmission casing cracked. It’s been over two weeks since Hyundai itself was alerted. And it’s been about a week since the local Hyundai dealership was alerted — they recently changed hands, and they’re the most likely ones to do a repair if any is to be done.
For those of you asking, “What about the warranty, Barb,” here’s the answer to that: I’m about seven thousand miles over the expiration of my car’s warranty. I bought it used at just over 37,000 miles, and am thus not the original owner. So a six-year, 60,000 mile warranty was all I had.
Of course, if I had been the original owner, this would’ve been repaired and replaced weeks ago. Because Hyundai gives a 100,000 mile warranty on the power train, of which the transmission is a part.
But I bought it in November of 2011 (a few, short days before my best friend Jeff passed away) from a reputable used car dealership in Racine County, Autowerks in Sturtevant (next to the Educator’s Credit Union on Highway 20).
I knew something was wrong at the 52,000 mile mark, mind you. And I called Autowerks at that time. But nothing was done because my own garage, Wild Rides (not a Hyundai place, but I trust them), could not find out what was going on. The problem was intermittent, you see, and the car was still running . . . and no one wants to tear apart a transmission that’s still working.
I also drove into the former Frank Gentile Hyundai dealership at the 52,000 mile mark, but wasn’t given any help. All that happened there was that a young male mechanic drove my car (without paperwork being given to me; a grave oversight, and I should’ve demanded it), didn’t find a problem, and sent me on my way again with a messed-up car.
Mind, one of the reasons nothing was ever done was that Autowerks and Gentile Hyundai had a strained relationship at best. Most attribute that to how Gentile acted — and all I know is how I, personally, was treated. (So I’d tend to believe it was Gentile’s fault.)
Anyway, even though I knew something was wrong, I had no idea the transmission’s casing would crack so it won’t hold fluid in it. And without fluid, the car won’t drive anywhere.
My contention is that this car should’ve been repaired at 52,000 miles by the former Hyundai dealership. But they blew me off, my car died, and I believe it should be covered under warranty because I did my best to do the right thing before the warranty expired.
So here I am. It’s been 28 days since my car last worked. I’ve paid auto insurance the entire month, because I’d hoped the car would be repaired by now — but between my surgical recovery and some unfortunate miscommunication, Racine Hyundai (the new dealership) only got my car to do their assessment (required before they’ll help me, or not) this past Friday.
I remain in limbo.
This wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t recovering from surgery. Or if my Mom’s health were a whole lot better . . . but I am recovering from surgery, and my Mom’s health decidedly isn’t good. Which adds to the stress of not having a car and multiplies it at least a hundredfold.
Tomorrow I’m going to see if I can take care of some pressing business by bus. I shouldn’t be doing it so soon after surgery, especially considering the lengthy wait between bus routes and transferring and my complete unfamiliarity with Racine’s current public transportation, because it will exhaust me.
But I have no choice. Bills have to be paid. My Mom can’t do much. So I have to do it, whether I’m ready or not, and hope my body will stand the strain.
So why have I written all this? Frankly, I’d like some advice. I’m not at all sure this problem is enough for people to respond favorably to a potential Go Fund Me page. Because it’s not life and death — I admit that freely. But it is incredibly annoying and inconvenient, has definitely hurt my health and quality of life, and more to the point is something that should not be happening, as my 2010 Hyundai Accent Blue shouldn’t have given up the ghost this soon, nor in this way.
What would you all do in this situation, other than continue to go after Hyundai and hope they’ll do the right thing?
—————
Note: I’ve had many cars in my lifetime. This is the first time a transmission’s casing has ever done this.
I know I didn’t cause this. And I believe firmly that Hyundai should pay for it. But I can’t guarantee what they’ll do — but I will keep you posted.
All I know is, if they don’t help me, I think people should never buy a Hyundai. Ever. Because they don’t service what they sell.
Finished a New Story . . .
Happy New Year, everyone!
Now that I’ve gotten the good wishes out of the way, it’s time to talk turkey. I haven’t blogged much over the past ten days because of the holidays. I had to take some time off, because the pace of the last year, post-bronchitis anyway, was almost too hectic to be borne.
But for whatever reason, idle time and me just do not seem to go together. So I had the idea for a new story — well, new to me, anyway, as it’s based on an unfinished story of my late husband Michael — about a week ago. I adapted Michael’s story and used about 3,000 words of it, then wrote 6,000-plus words around it to make it all fit.
Note I’m not giving you too many details of this story. There’s a reason for that — I was attempting to send it to the Writers of the Future (WotF) contest in order to make one, final try.
Those of you who’ve read my blog for a while know full well I’ve been entering that contest for eleven solid years. I haven’t sent in a submission every single quarter, no. But every year, I’ve sent in at least one story.
And every time, my entry sunk like a stone.
This year, my story was ready at 11:50 p.m. on New Year’s Eve PST, which is the time zone of the WotF website. (Note that it was 1:55 a.m. New Year’s Day CST, in my own time zone.) So I went to the WotF website, and attempted to upload my file.
. . . but nothing happened.
Why? Well, the site had inexplicably decided to stop accepting submissions early. Usually, they will accept up until 11:59:59 p.m. PST (that is, eleven fifty-nine and fifty-nine seconds), but not this time.
So after all that work, my lovely 8600-word story (I pruned 1000 words on the advice of my long-suffering friend and first reader) didn’t end up getting sent.
Talk about frustration.
I did, of course, let WotF know that their site did something hinky and I wasn’t able to get my submission in through no fault of mine. But it’s like spitting in the wind. They’re most likely going to say that I can send the story in for the next quarter (once it opens; the site is still not up as of this hour, though normally it would be as the new quarter has started and submissions usually start right away at the stroke of 12:00:00 a.m. PST), so I should just do that.
But as the first half of ELFY should be out in early April (meaning it could be out by the end of March, as publication dates can be flexible on either end), I most likely will be ineligible.
So this was my last try . . . in more ways than one.
For those of you who’ve never submitted anything to WotF, you might be wondering why this is. I’m still a writer who most people don’t know about, I haven’t made many Science Fiction Writers of America-eligible sales (two, now, though the first was shared with Michael so it technically counted as half a sale), and I certainly could use the exposure and help that winning any prize in the WotF contest could bring.
But once you’ve published a novel — whether it’s self-publishing or traditional publishing — you are ineligible.
That’s why my niece, Jennifer Lunde, is ineligible; she self-published her novel PULSE through Lulu back in 2010. That’s one reason my friend Jason Cordova is ineligible, though he’s actually eligible to apply for the SFWA as he has at least six qualifying sales to his credit by my count, as Twilight Times Books — which is as reputable a small press as they come, and is now my professional home as well — published his novel CORRUPTOR in 2010.
But maybe there’s a silver lining in the fact I couldn’t get my story into the WotF contest.
The venerable magazine Fantasy and Science Fiction (F&SF) has announced they’re going to have a guest editor, C.C. Finlay, for it’s July/August 2014 issue (details can be found here). Better still, Finlay will be accepting electronic submissions — a first for F&SF — between January 1 and January 14 of this month.
Mind you, F&SF has never been interested in anything I’ve sent them, just as WotF has never been interested, either. But it’s a New Year, I’m an optimist, and I believe my time is now.
So what are my plans at this point for my poor, beleaguered story? If WotF won’t accept it, I will send it to Mr. Finlay in the next few days.
Wish me luck?
Barb Caffrey's Blog 