Posts Tagged ‘introspection’
Introspection City (A Meditation on Life, Minnesota, and Struggles)
Have you ever been in this place I find myself? Looking inward, because looking outward makes no sense?
Over the past six months, I’ve lost so much stuff. Some of it was important to me — favorite books, various small things like dishes and glasses that didn’t make it in the move (not that it would help much if it did, except make me feel better, as it’s all in storage), other things that gave me comfort every day — and some wasn’t. But there’s no denying that much of how my life is lived has changed.
I stand at a crossroads of possibilities, yes. Some are very low-level possibilities (like finding a second guy as good as Michael was); some are higher-level possibilities (such as visiting another country for a while, as I’ve been invited to two different places) that seem impossible due to financial constraints. My health also limits me more than I’d wish, had I my druthers.
The amount of time I have for myself is very low at the moment, which is why my books continue to languish as “out of print” (which is weird, because they were always ebooks anyway, so technically were never print at all). Because of the struggle of the last several months on various fronts, I continue to make strides back to the life I’d thought I knew. It wasn’t always wonderful, but it had enough time in it to write both music and words, for me to think about what I should do next, writing-wise, and I was able to juggle all my various commitments to home, work, and family well enough that I knew I was still in there, fighting.
I’m not sure what fighting looks like right now.
Remember how I said, above, that looking outward makes no sense? I am struggling with what’s happened in Minnesota, as two people who shouldn’t be dead are, and while there’s some dispute about the first tragic death, that of Renee Good, there’s not a whole lot of dispute regarding the death of ICU nurse Alex Pretti. He went to another woman’s aid as he didn’t like it that five or six ICE officers were holding a rather short and slight woman to the ground and beating her. They’d pepper-sprayed her and they pepper-sprayed him, but he managed to help the woman up…only to get tackled himself, and then shot several times. He had a gun tucked into his waistband but did not draw it. (There are multiple angles of view, enough so that AI — artificial intelligence/images — shouldn’t be a problem here. They were posted in real time, too, when it happened, and witnesses confirm what happened along with a doctor — a pediatrician — who attempted to help Pretti stay alive.) He had a legal permit to carry a firearm (I’m not sure why he felt he needed it as a nurse, but it was his right), so all the nonsense about him carrying a lot of ammo and such and supposedly being an agent provocateur or whatnot is ludicrous.
Milwaukee, which is the biggest city in Southeastern Wisconsin (or all of Wisconsin), is the next city that’s going to see more than it wants to of ICE. This worries me.
Before anyone asks, I support ICE’s legitimate mission of going after the “worst of the worst” criminals and putting them in jail where they belong. (I also appreciate a secure border policy.) People who’ve overstayed their visas do not count in that category. American citizens do not count. Folks with green cards do not count. Families should not be split up, and mothers and children should not be going to different places.
In Renee Good’s case, she may have run over an officer’s foot. That is painful. But it does not warrant a killing. It warrants being put in jail and having her day in court. She would be alive that way and justice would perhaps be served at some point.
As for Alex Pretti, I don’t see where even sending him to jail for a few hours until he bonded out was necessary. But if they had wanted to do that, at least he’d be alive. (To see on the various videos — no, I will not link to them — that he rose to his knees despite being shot, only to be shot even more times until he ended up on the ground again, makes me extremely ill.)
The actions of ICE in Minnesota are making me ask this question: Are we still a nation of laws? Or are we only a nation of vigilante justice?
So, as I wrestle with my own issues — finance, health, where am I going to live, am I doing the right thing in the right way, etc. — I’m also watching as my country seems to be imploding.
It’s Introspection City all the way around. And I have to admit, I don’t like it at all.
Today’s Shout Into the Void (AKA “the Pandemic Blues”)
Folks, when I don’t know what to say, I turn to “shouting into the void.” This reminds me that even if my words are not understood, much less heard, they still have value.
That seems paradoxical, doesn’t it? (Maybe it is.)
It can be hard to reach a certain age, as a woman. People ignore you. They look right past you. They don’t see you.
But I am here, whether they see me or not. I’m here, and doing what I can, whether anyone else understands it, or not. I’m able to exert my influence — such as it is — on this blog, and point out that every life has value and worth.
I don’t know if you’re like me, and sometimes feel invisible. (Or at best, visible, ignorable, and misunderstood.) But I do know that the stories I write best are the ones where folks who’ve always felt like misfits find their homes and families (not necessarily their families of birth, either; these are their families of the heart).
The heroes and heroines I’ve come up with often felt ignorable, isolated, looked past, misunderstood, and frustrated.
Maybe it’s just this lengthy pandemic, but I’m tired of being misunderstood, ignored, looked past, and frustrated.
One of my best friends told me lately that she believes I should remember that writing is fun, and enjoy what I’m doing. Don’t stress so much about low word-counts. Don’t worry so much that my energy — which has been sapped by the lengthy pandemic, among other things — isn’t able to be consistently applied to writing, either.
Her message was very simple: Do what you can, as you can. And don’t forget who you are.
She also went on to point out that my illnesses — fibromyalgia among them — do not define me. They may limit me, at times. But they are not the sum total of all I am, much less all that I will ever be.
At any rate, my hope is that my blogging does some good for someone, somewhere, even if is to point out that they, alone, aren’t the only person in the world who’s struggling.
Thus concludes today’s shout into the void.
Barb Caffrey's Blog 