Unwritten Rules, Social Norms, and You
Folks, recently I read a book by Mike Duncan called THE STORM BEFORE THE STORM. It was about the fall of the Roman Republic, which preceded the fall of the Roman Empire…and about the various things that happened that caused the Roman Republic to fall.
Something called Mos Maiorum had been followed up until that time, you see. Those were the unwritten rules and social norms that every Roman professed to follow, and none seriously transgressed until things started to fall apart. These were especially important for Roman politicians, as they dictated how often you ran for office, how long you should stay there in some cases, whether or not you should run again, and what you should do while you actually were in office (including treating other office-holders with respect rather than disdain, whether you liked those people or not).
This rang true with me in our contemporary American society, because it was the breakdown of the unwritten rules of the Mos Maiorum that led to the rise of Roman demagogues, who exploited rising economic inequality for fun and profit…and that is what we’re seeing right now, at least in part.
Mind, by the time a demagogic politician takes command, those rifts are already there for him (or in some cases, her) to exploit. The loss of the unwritten rules of conduct everyone is supposed to follow may seem negligible, but we saw it play out in the 2016 Presidential election, where Donald Trump refused to release his taxes (as every other politician had done for many years), criticized many people (including those in his own party) and called decorated war heroes such as Arizona Senator John McCain unimportant (because hey, Trump only likes people who weren’t captured). Trump even complained about a Gold Star family — that is, a family who lost a loved one while serving the United States as a military member — which is something I couldn’t have imagined anyone doing for any reason before 2016.
Mind, as in the fall of the Roman Republic, some pols still do follow the unwritten rules. (For example, Hillary Clinton released her taxes, and while she certainly criticized Trump — and he returned the favor, in spades — she did not go after anyone outside of the campaign. She left Scott Baio alone, Kid Rock alone, and any other celebrity or personage that expressed a strong affection for Trump strictly alone as far as I could discern.)
So it’s not an exact science, no. But I am still struck by the parallels.
When the civil discourse breaks down, it’s hard to remember that we all need to pull together. And that sort of division can be exploited by anyone with demagogic leanings, which is why we all need to educate ourselves as best we can, read widely (and not just to our own political leanings), and challenge our assumptions as that is the best way to deal with demagoguery I know.
That all being said, people may still prefer the demagogue in the future. I can’t do anything about that. But what I can ask you to do is to please, please, for the love of little green apples, do your homework. Vote for someone who represents you and your interests as closely as possible…but yes, someone should stick up for the unwritten rules of civil discourse and most importantly civility in politics, too, lest we follow the Roman Republic into oblivion.
That way, it’s less toxic to watch. And we may stay better-informed.
Quick and Dirty Holiday Survival Guide
Folks, I hope you will enjoy your holidays. Whatever you celebrate, I hope you’ll do so to the fullest, as that’s the way to get past the other feelings this season can sometimes engender–despair, frustration, unhappiness, and strife.
But if you’re like me, and tend to run into those last four things at the holidays in greater amounts than the rest, here’s a quick holiday survival guide.
First, make sure to take time for yourself. No matter what errands you need to do (or what gifts you need to buy, or food to make, etc.), you can’t do them well if you don’t rest a bit here and there, or at minimum try to recenter yourself as you go about all of your various holiday activities.
Second, if a family member or friend upsets you, try to let it roll off your back. (Sometimes you can’t, but in those situations, state your case firmly and move on.) Don’t let yourself get enmeshed in arguments if you can help it, as arguments at this time of year seem to be much worse than at any others (perhaps because we in the Western World seem to know this is supposed to be a time of joy, happiness, and goodwill toward all men and women, so when it doesn’t happen it may feel worse).
Third, if you are feeling down, don’t swallow it. Go ahead and let yourself feel it. At least for a little while.
Then, after you’ve fully felt whatever it is, tell yourself firmly, “Self, I’ve felt that. I understand.”
And go about your business anyway. (This last was one of my late husband’s Zen tricks, and it works.)
The reason you need to feel it has more to do with refusing to censor (or censure) yourself. But the reason you feel it for a short time, and then go about and do whatever you were going to do anyway, is that you don’t let your feelings derail you.
So, feel ’em, but don’t let ’em consume you. (Clear as mud, probably, but it’s the best I can do.)
Anyway, these are my three quick and dirty tips that may — just may — help you survive the holidays in one piece.
What are your holiday tips? (Tell me about them in the comments!)
Following the Eleventh Commandment…
As we get closer to the Christmas/Yuletide holiday season, I get more and more frustrated with this time of year.
(And yes, I admit it.)
I’m not into conspicuous consumption. (If you’ve read my blog for a while, you probably know this.) And all the commercials for stuff “You Must Buy Now (TM)” annoy the crapola out of me.
I’ve already said I believe in being around my friends and loved ones at this time of year, and that I prefer your presence over your presents. But I figured I’d go a little further today, and try to explain another thought that needs to be expressed: We have to try to follow the Eleventh Commandment a little better (that being “Love one another, as I have loved you,” uttered by Jesus the Christ).
This is a very tough commandment to follow, because it is not always easy to love each other, in this world. There are people, quite frankly, in this world that I cannot stand. (I know, I know — quelle the horror.) And yet, by just about every faith I know–Christianity, Buddhism, Shintoism, Confucianism, the Church of Latter-Day Saints, and yes, the Neo-Pagan community–we’re told to love them. (Or at least to do no harm to them, if we can’t love them. And most of the time in most faiths, you’re still supposed to try to love the unloveable even if it’s extremely difficult; doing no harm and letting them go their own way is only an intermediate step.)
As I said, there are some folks out there who are incredibly difficult to love.
So how are we supposed to go about loving them anyway?
I think, to start with, we need to try to check our prejudices at the door. Try to meet people where they are, and use your empathy as much as you possibly can.
Does this mean you should let others railroad you when you don’t agree with them? Oh, Hell no. But you should at least try to understand, if you can, when someone believes something different than you do. Because it seems to me that understanding someone else is the first step toward loving them…and we all have to start somewhere.
In addition, I wanted to add another thought I’ve had, that is probably only tangentially related.
Does anyone else feel that we’ve become a much less forgiving society, lately? And that we’ve stopped believing that people can change, people can improve, and people can–even if they’ve made horrible mistakes–redeem and improve themselves somehow?
It’s like, someone makes a mistake one day, and kisses someone he or she doesn’t know while drunk at a holiday party. The next day, that man (or woman) is hailed as a pervert, and rather than saying, “You need to drink less” or “Wow, you can’t hold your wine” or even “What were you thinking, when you kissed that person?,” you’re condemning that person.
Forever.
I’m not the Higher Power, so I don’t believe I have the right to condemn anyone. (Sometimes this is hard to remember, granted.) And I try hard to remember that people can change; that nothing is cast in stone; that no one should believe that one mistake will define you the rest of your life and you’ll never, but never, get out from under it so you may as well stop trying.
That said, I’ve already pointed out that it’s hard to love someone who seems thoroughly unlovable. And that sometimes, the best you can do is leave them alone…and perhaps pray for their–or your–enlightenment, in order to find a way to follow the Eleventh Commandment a little better down the line.
Personally, I believe that if you’re going to follow the Eleventh Commandment, you should also do your best to give people second chances if warranted. (Again, don’t let yourself be treated like a pushover or a martyr. But do, please, believe that if someone’s trying, is doing his/her best to improve himself in various ways such as by going to counseling and seriously trying to figure himself/herself out, it’s not wrong to give someone at least one more try…and if it still doesn’t work, then you can step away and tell yourself, “Hey, I gave it my all, and sometimes it just doesn’t work.”)
So, it’s a work-in-progress, following the Eleventh Commandment. But I think it’s something you need to try to do, because it may make you a wiser, kinder person…and it also may make the holiday season a lot easier, besides. (Hey, one can only hope.)
Presence, not Presents (a Xmas-inspired Post)
Folks, we’re inundated daily by commercials, as it’s close to Christmas season. (Otherwise shortened to Xmas, of course.) There’s the ubiquitous Pajamagram commercial. Or the “My Pillow” guy. Or the “go to Jared (jewelers), so your girlfriend will love you” commercials.
I call BS on all of that. (Banana squishies, y’know. Family site.)
The important thing about the Xmas season is visiting your family, friends, loved ones, and making time for all of them. Making memories, too…being with them, being present, being there, doing what you can to let those you care about know that you, too, care and think about them.
That is what matters. Not all that other nonsensical stuff.
Look. I do like presents. (Books. Lots and lots of books. I’m a writer, so this can’t surprise you too much.) But I like well-chosen ones. Ones that show you know me. Ones that show you are paying attention.
Not just something you saw on TV. Or heard on the radio. Or saw on the Internet.
But if it’s a question between your presence, and being with you, and letting you know I am happy to see you, and getting a gift in the mail, it’s no contest.
I want your presence. Not your presents.
(And in this day and age, where our loved ones often live far away, your presence can certainly be virtual if you really can’t go home to see the family…just sayin’. Back to our regularly-scheduled post.)
Too many people get the idea that the only way to show that you care is to buy stuff. Lots and lots and lots of stuff. Really expensive stuff, too…smaller, well-chosen gifts don’t matter as much, because hey, they’re not “status symbol possessions.” And you can’t show ’em off.
Again, I say “BS.”
All I know is, if you are in doubt of what to get your significant other, or a good friend, or a family member, here’s my advice:
Call that person. Talk to them. Be with them, as much as you can, in whatever ways you can…and if all else fails, ask that person what he or she wants.
But if that person is worth your time, he or she is going to understand that not all of us are made of money. And even if we are, it’s more important to be there, and to pick something the other person really wants, than to just go to a jewelry store and pick out something expensive and call it good.
So, do remember, this holiday season, that your presence is far, far more important than any present you could possibly give. Because year-round, the things that matter are how you act with your loved ones and friends, not what you gave ’em…or what they gave you, either, beyond their care, concern, friendship, and love.
Reflections on 2017: A Collaboration with a Purpose post
Folks, I am happy to write another blog for Collaboration with a Purpose, this time on the need for personal reflections. As I continue to struggle with a respiratory issue (though I am getting a wee bit better), I’m happy to discuss something that I hope won’t be too controversial…though in this day and age, where people seem to take offense at the drop of a hint, who knows?
So, here’s my take on 2017…ready?
First, let’s talk about the good parts of 2017.
- I’ve made some new friends, particularly among the bloggers who’ve taken part in the Collaboration with a Purpose group, and that’s a wonderful thing.
- CHANGING FACES was completed, at long last, and was published in February as an e-book.
- I realized, not without a lot of effort that I might not have had to put in were I not so hard-headed at times, that the heart can expand to fit wherever it’s needed. There’s always room for another friend, for example…the only trick, if there is one, is to let yourself feel and not censure yourself. (Not that all of your feelings will make sense; nope, that’s too easy. But knowing I can feel deeply again is a very, very good thing.)
- I edited at least fourteen books, most in the SF&F genre.
- My story “To Exist within Memory” was published by the Twilight Times e-zine in October, along with a reprint of my poem “Break the Dark Lens.”
- I played my first musical solo on alto saxophone in over ten years in July, the Isaac Albeniz Tango (with band accompaniment from the Racine Concert Band, of course).
The bad?
- United States politics was completely frustrating, incredibly vexing, sometimes stupefying, and always, always maddening. I just did not understand much of what the government did, nor why they did it, and wondered just how these people thought they should get paid for doing nothing. (Or in some cases, worse than nothing.)
- Roy Moore. (See my recent blog on the subject.)
- I suffered from self-doubt, especially after CHANGING FACES didn’t make much of a dent in the marketplace. I wondered, often, if anyone would ever read what I was writing aside from the occasional blog post, and if not, what my life purpose actually was?
So, it was kind of a mixed bag.
Mostly, though, I’m glad the year is almost over. The good parts of the year outweighed the bad, but 2017 is a year I’ll be happy to put in the rear-view mirror.
Now, go take a look at these other posts from my Collaboration with a Purpose buddies, as they’re all different, all interesting, and all memorable:
Post-Turkey Day Thoughts
Folks, I know I haven’t blogged in a bit. Due to Thanksgiving, and the family festivities (or at least attempted festivities — more on that in a bit), and also due to me dealing with some sort of respiratory issue, I just haven’t had the wherewithal to blog.
But I do now. (Barely.) So I figured I’d give you a few post-Thanksgiving (Turkey) Day thoughts, in no particular order:
- Following up with my previous blog, I remain disgusted with Roy Moore and firmly hope that the voters of Alabama will look into the (numerous) allegations against him. If they are true in any way (most particularly the ones regarding Moore’s trysts with women younger than eighteen when he was in his thirties, making him a possible pedophile), I hope he will not attain the United States Senate.
- It was good to see my brother and his insanely cute dog, Braunie. (One of these days, I need to take a picture of the two of them. They get along well and make me smile.)
- Note the difference between Senator Al Franken (D-MN) and Roy Moore (the Republican Senatorial candidate) regarding various allegations of sexual misconduct. Franken may have placed his hand on a butt. He also put his hand close to a breast of a sleeping woman, LeeAnn Tweeden. (I can’t really tell if he put it on there or not, but either way, it wasn’t appropriate as she couldn’t consent, being asleep.) And he has apologized for these things, saying he has much making up to do and that he’s going to be more cognizant of his behavior moving forward. Yet Moore firmly denies every allegation, even when it’s been corroborated by mall security and a number of other disinterested parties that Moore, in his thirties, was apparently well-known for being a hound-dog when it came to young women and girls. Even though Moore has apparently said the first time he noticed his wife, she was in her late teens (under eighteen), too…
- So which is the problem child here, hm? The guy who says, “I did wrong but I will do better” with some relatively minor issues? (Not good, and it shouldn’t have happened, granted.) Or the guy who says, “I did nothing wrong, it’s a Democratic frame-job, and all these women who are coming out of the woodwork now don’t matter whatsoever,” and gets Evangelical Christians to pray for him, not the women allegedly hurt by him?
- Note that if anything remotely close to Moore’s alleged behavior comes out against Franken, I will call for Franken’s removal from the Senate immediately. (Does this even need to be said? I am against pedophilia, folks! How awful is it that in 2017, we have to actually state this?)
Anyway, I am happy that I was able to see some of my family. (I was too ill to see most, but I did see some and that’s good.) Though I couldn’t really celebrate, eating some good food (though I stuck to the softer stuff due to my sore throat) was warmly welcomed.
And aside from that, do consider reading some good stuff to distract yourself from the holiday bustle (which tends to make those of us who’ve lost loved ones feel more miserable at this time of year than any other, save for anniversaries of course). May I suggest authors Christopher Nuttall, Kayelle Allen, Zen DiPietro, Jason Cordova, Katharine Eliska Kimbriel, Rosemary Edghill, Patricia C. Wrede, and Lois McMaster Bujold? **Edited to add: How could I forget my friends Loren K. Jones and Christine Amsden? Read their stuff, too…and if I’ve forgotten anyone else, let me know. (Chris Smith, too. And if I keep going, I’ll never stop, so…)
(Or, if you are interested in my writing, please do take a look…you may find something you like there, too.)
Oh, and if you’re looking for an inspirational thoughts book to whet your interest, take a look at N.N. Light’s latest…it’s available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble, and I’m sure you’ll love it.
So, that’s it…my post-Thanksgiving Day thoughts. (Now, can I interest you in some leftover turkey? Cranberry sauce? Mashed potatoes? Pecan pie? Please?)
Why I Can’t Stand Roy Moore
Folks, Roy Moore is a candidate for the United States Senate in Alabama. He’s a Republican. And he has been accused of serial sexual assault, with many of the women he’s allegedly kissed, groped, fondled, or worse being under eighteen years of age.
And I can’t stand him.**
Maybe this sounds weird to have to point out. But in this day and age of extremely partisan, tribal politics, I have to do so.
Mind, I didn’t like Moore before this. And had good reasons for disliking him.
Why?
Well, the man has always been a holier-than-thou sort. There was the whole issue of putting a monument of the Ten Commandments from the Bible up, commissioned by Moore while he was the Chief Justice of Alabama, and how he refused to remove it until he was successfully sued.
To my mind, while I dislike that, it’s not so horrible I’d be writing this post. (Not without the allegations of serial sexual assault, many of his accusers being under eighteen at the time, some as young as fourteen.) But one of the other things he did before all these other allegations came out was extremely troubling, too.
What was that, you ask?
Simple. Moore told judges and justices in his state of Alabama not to honor the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling that LGBT couples would now be allowed to marry legally in all fifty states, and was removed from his post as Chief Justice because of it.
So, Moore doesn’t seem to believe the rule of law applies to him. We know this by both of these decisions.
And getting back to the current accusations against Moore, I must point out that some of the accusers who’ve come out against him — again, some being as young as fourteen — have said Moore was a District Attorney (and in his early thirties, at minimum) at that time.
I have a real problem with that, too.
Look at the evidence of the things we do know for absolute facts, that of the Ten Commandments decision and the refusal to allow LGBT people to marry legally in Alabama despite SCOTUS’s decision. These two things show that Moore seems to believe only in himself, and his own views, and dislikes, distrusts, and disbelieves everything else.
If that’s the case, it’s much easier for me to believe that Moore may well have believed that anything he did, said, or felt was right, and didn’t even hear any of the young (or younger) women who have apparently said “no” over and over again.
That Roy Moore may still win the Senate seat in Alabama really vexes me. He is, at minimum, hard-headed, difficult, frustrating, and believes only in the most narrow-minded version of Christianity (the type of Christianity, I think, that Jesus Christ himself would neither condone nor accept). He hates the LGBT community, he doesn’t seem to like women, he doesn’t seem to like anyone other than himself…
And at maximum, Moore has probably assaulted many women. Some as young as fourteen. Which should be an immediate disqualification from office…period.
So why am I writing all this? Because Moore has no shame. Anyone else would’ve gotten out of the race, but not Moore. Instead, he’ll stay until the bitter end, and is making a great deal of money from small, grass-roots donors (who either don’t believe Moore’s accusers, or don’t care; I’m not sure which is worse).
That is disgusting. Shocking. Reprehensible. And should not be borne.
And yet, the GOP Governor of Alabama, Kay Ivey, has said two contradictory things:
- She believes every single last one of Moore’s accusers.
- But she will still vote for Roy Moore.
This makes no sense.
So, here’s the upshot, folks. I am appalled that this man is running for the Senate. I can’t stand him, and I wish he’d get out.
But since he won’t get out, I hope the voters of Alabama will do the next, best thing: vote for anyone else. (Including their dogs, their cats, or a wet piece of carpet lint.) Because any of them would make a better Senator than Roy Moore. Guaranteed.
—————
**Before anyone asks, I am against this sort of behavior. I detest it with a passion. I would hate it no matter who did it, and no matter what his/her political party affiliation. (That I have to even say this in 2017 is both maddening and frustrating. How tribal have our politics become, that I can’t even say I am very angry that a man accused of serial sexual assault is running for the high office of United States Senator without pointing out I’d detest that a Democrat, a Libertarian, or an alien did the same thing?)
Diversity: Not Just for Breakfast Anymore…(A Collaboration with a Purpose Post)
Well, it’s time for another Collaboration with a Purpose post, and this month’s theme is diversity. We can talk about anything — cultural, in particular — that highlights the importance of diversity.
Take a look at this nifty picture, created by fellow blogger Sadaf Sidiqqi:
As to why I’m doing this? Well, culture is very important. I think we take it for granted in the United States, because we’re more diverse overall than most places in certain respects. (For example, in Racine, Wisconsin, where I live, we can get all sorts of different types of food, such as Thai, Japanese, Indian, and of course Italian and Mexican, though all of those are filtered through an American lens.)
But that diversity, in some ways, is under attack. Rather than celebrating all the unique and interesting people we have in this country, and also around the world, we’ve seen a resurgence of what I can only call tribalism — that is, “My tribe” (i.e., America) “is better than yours.”
Note: I don’t like tribalism. I think it’s self-limiting and self-defeating. I think we were put here to become better, wiser, and kinder people…and we can’t do that if we huddle in our own tribes, being afraid of anyone who’s not “us.” Moving on…
Still, I believe in diversity. I believe there must be a reason for all the different cultures in this world, and I think they’re there so we can learn, and grow, and improve ourselves. Even if it’s sometimes a laboriously slow process, it’s worthwhile.
And before you say it, while there definitely are some cultures I do not appreciate at all (ISIS, anyone?), we should have experts who try to understand why they do what they do, in order to protect the rest of us. Again, moving on…
Diversity, overall, is a good thing. Whether you were originally from Poland, Finland, Ireland, Malaysia, Egypt, or any points more exotic, you are worthy and interesting and valuable. You are worth getting to know from your own perspective as best we can manage it, we who aren’t from Poland, Finland, et. al., and that’s one reason why I think we must begin to embrace diversity rather than shun it.
See, diversity brings understanding, but it also brings richness and a better life. And that richness has to be part of what the Higher Power wanted us to learn while we’re here on this Earth. (Otherwise, why are we here at all?)
Now, go and see what the other folks are writing about today, all right? I’m sure there must be some really interesting takes on diversity out there this time…(as there always are).
The other collaborators this time around are listed below, along with some of their best prior quotes from the previous Collaboration with a Purpose posts (as compiled by blogger Nicolle K.):
- Addison D’Marko (“If you want to achieve complete happiness one of the things you are going to have to do is care less. By this I mean stop putting so much thought into the things that do not matter.”)
- Camilla Motte @ Moms on the Go (“We want to be help to the helpless. We all need love and support and I pray this community will be that for you.”)
- Jothish Joseph @ TheJothishJosephBlog (“Anybody can write “Extra” before “ordinary” but only people of courage dare to earn it…”)
- Ipuna Black (“None of us are perfect or come from perfect backgrounds, but this doesn’t mean we can’t aim for a positive and fulfilling life. The life we all deserve.”)
- Jane Love @ Harmonious Joy (“People who have a genuine say and a true voice of their own… not just an echo of some celebrity they think they love.”)
- Mylene C. Orillo (“Where I’m at right now is a testament that ‘Dreams really do come true.’”)
- Sonyo Estavillo @ ‘Lil Pick Me Up (“I am here to champion anyone from the successful and confident folks, to those that are clinically depressed.”)
- And Nicolle K @ Stories of a Highly Sensitive Introvert! (“Success, for me, is when I spend my days feeling happy, peaceful, fulfilled and without fear of lack.”)
So, there you have it!
And do leave a comment, please…I always appreciate hearing from my fellow bloggers and friends. (What else would you like me to talk about, for example? I’m always interested in new blog subjects.)
Just in Time For Halloween, New Poems and Stories at the TTB e-zine!
OK, sometimes I just have to rhyme…
Folks, do you want some new and absolutely free reading material? Especially from me? (As you’re here at my blog, I’m going to assume the answer is an enthusiastic “yes.”)
Well, look no further. I have a story, “To Exist within Memory,” and a poem, “Break the Dark Lens,” up at the Halloween 2017 edition of the Twilight Times e-zine. (I abbreviated it above as TTB e-zine because it’s part of Twilight Times Books.) In addition, there’s also a chapter reveal for my most recent novel, the LGBT-friendly CHANGING FACES, and there’s an author interview by Mayra Calvani as well — so if you have ever wanted to know more about me or my writing, here you go.
Mind, if you like what you have read with regards to CHANGING FACES, you can go to Amazon or Barnes and Noble and pick up an e-book copy for just ninety-nine cents…and I do hope you’ll consider doing just that.
So go check out the TTB e-zine. Read some free stuff. Then go pick up your copy of CHANGING FACES today, and get to getting…who said every treat on Halloween has to be full of calories, hey?
Barb Caffrey's Blog 