Barb Caffrey's Blog

Ten years ago, I wrote a blog about divorce that was well-received, and I decided to revisit it today for two reasons. One, we’ve got another celebrity divorce that’s in the news, that being between Jelly Roll and Bunnie XO. Two, as someone who’s been both previously divorced and, after blessedly finding and marrying the love of my life, widowed, I know there is life after both things…but most especially after divorce.

As the previous blog stated:

Yes, divorce is painful. But if you and your spouse do not understand each other, have grown apart, or worst of all, he’s brought another child into this world outside of your marriage (which my second unlamented ex-husband did), you need to be gone. It’s not good for you to stay. And if you have children, your children will see all your pain, all your anger, all your dysfunction, and start to model it for themselves in their own relationships…something you truly don’t want.

Mind you, divorce is not easy, which my previous blog also discussed:

My (first) divorce was brutal. I remember eating baby food, because nothing else would stay down. I saw my soon-to-be-ex-husband parading around town with the woman who became his second wife, and I could do nothing but swallow helpless rage. (It took me some time to realize that I was enraged, mind, because at first I was so saddened by all of this, and wondered how it could have ever come to pass.) I played in a group with my soon-to-be-ex-husband and his new girlfriend, the woman who became his second wife, and it sometimes was agonizing…yet I refused to give up the comfort of music, as I knew I needed it to help me somehow get past the pain.

When I was dealing with my first divorce in particular, I had no idea what life would bring. I was still quite young, thought I’d completely failed, and was very frustrated (to say the least). It was extremely depressing to deal with, to know that I’d picked someone who could do what my first ex-husband did. And it wasn’t much better, if at all, with my second ex-husband, as it was difficult, disturbing, frustrating, and quite awful to deal with.

The light at the end of the tunnel, though, as I said in the previous blog, was not an oncoming train:

I found Michael (or, as he would no doubt want to have it, he found me). And finding him, being with him, being married to him, was worth every other pain in my life, past and present. He understood me, he was creative and funny and helped me be my best self, and I did my best to give him all the support, encouragement, laughter and love that I could, too.

Because that is what love is.

So, if you are divorcing right now, try to avoid giving in to despair. Divorce gives you the opportunity to find someone who is truly right for the you-who-is right now, rather than continuing to fight the same old battles in the same old ways.

You have to see yourself as someone who’s survived something difficult, and have come out the other side even stronger, rather than as a failure. It took me a while to figure this out. But it’s absolutely essential for your peace of mind.

I want to say this, too: You don’t have to be bad people in every respect in order to divorce. My exes had good qualities, even if they weren’t good husbands. (I said in the previous blog that they mostly were shining examples of what not to do, and I stand by that.) I wouldn’t have married them at all if I hadn’t seen the good in them. All I could do, ultimately, was say, “Go with God” and hope they’re better husbands to their second wives.

Perhaps I needed them in my life, if only to say, “I don’t need that. But this quality, I liked.” Otherwise, maybe I wouldn’t have ever been able to recognize Michael’s sterling qualities, much less give him a chance to convince me to take a chance on a third marriage.

And that third marriage is really what defined my life in many ways. I’m glad I took that chance. (“Glad” is too neutral of a word, mind. Maybe I should use “ecstatic” instead?)

In the case of Jelly Roll and his wife Bunnie XO, they had a ten-year marriage that gave them much satisfaction at times and much pain at others. It’s possible they may reconcile. It’s also possible they never speak to each other again. I hope for their sake, though, that they can be amicable and always be friendly.

I don’t need to be a personal friend of theirs to know that.

Anyway, I know being friendly post-divorce is possible for some, though it wasn’t possible for me. Michael, my late husband, and his ex-wife were the best of friends. (In fact, I’m still in contact with her today. She’s a lovely person and is remarried to a very kind-hearted man.)

Finally, remember that we’re all just human beings. Some days are better than others. Some days are worse. But we contain both the best and worst in one package, and our lives are up to us.

For good or ill, our lives are up to us.